Spiritual Answers

It has been a while. Part of it is because I am busy with my boys, part of it because I felt like I needed to let go of adoption...of A... and this blog was a painful reminder of what may never be. But, my hope has been restored. To no credit to myself J's heart has been softened. All credit goes upstairs. Our differences climaxed at then end of January. A conversation / heated discussion - where J told me he would not pray about it - he did not want it and it would not happen. To me the discussion was completely closed. But, slowly J has brought the discussion again to the table. We decided together that we would pray about our family. What did Heavenly Father want - because really - it is His will. I approached my prayers differently. If adoption was not right - let me let go. If it was - let J know. If we were supposed to get pregnant? Whatever the answer I would accept it - help J accept it too. To be honest, before this I think we were praying against each other - our hearts too hard to hear the answer. Me praying for J to accept and J praying for me to let go. I believe Heavenly Father let us "battle it out" if you will, until we came to our senses - like I said - what is His will for our family?

J has said several times "I know you will let me know what we are supposed to do." In some aspects I think it began as J throwing in the towel and realizing I wouldn't let go. But, to me that is not enough. He HAS to have a confirmation for himself. I think he has. On Tuesday April 4th, J and I went to the temple together. We needed it so bad. After the session we had some time to sit and just be together. We always say a prayer together. We quietly started talking about our life, our business, our family. I knew it was the right time to ask him how he felt about our family...were we complete? He asked me what I thought Heavenly Father wanted. I told him that I could not explain why I couldn't let go of adopting and why it is so strong in my heart and brain if it wasn't right. I then asked him what he thought Heavenly Father wanted - he said He (Heavenly Father) wants what I want. There is our answer. It was quiet, it was peaceful, it was wonderful. For now I am letting it set - letting it find it's way into the center of J's heart.