Discouragement

I am sure there will be a few of these kinds of entries - I will be sure to delete them if I ever let Avery read this. I am discouraged, disheartened, I almost feel hopeless at times. I am so ready to adopt. I would start today if I were 30. J on the other hand feels completely opposite right now - three children are enough, it is too much money, we have too much going on, too much debt...His list goes on and on. But, at other times I know he wants to, I know he knows we have a daughter in China. This weekend was an extremely difficult weekend. We argued several times about adoption. We attended a China Adoption Seminar through Wasatch International Adoption Agency. It did not affect J at all in the way that I had hoped. I felt hopeless this weekend. I am at a complete loss. My heart aches. I can feel A - I know she is to be a part of our family. Right now as I sit here I have tears running down my cheeks. What am I going to do? How will J's heart ever be changed? I have had so many spiritual experiences leading me to this decision. I cannot deny them. While we were at the Seminar I finally got to meet Kathy Junk and Kathy Kaiser from WIAA. I was honest with them about my feelings and J's feelings as well. Kathy Junk's reaction struck me...she said, "Oh! I know exactly what you mean." I wasn't able to ask her there what she meant. But Tuesday I sent her an email thanking her help and also for her understanding. She replied to my e-mail with a story of her own experience that filled me with some hope: (This letter is a exact copy of her e-mail)

"Hi Tawni, It was great to meet you and find out that you are LDS. Please don't feel silly about you and John's situation and boy do I ever know what you are going through! When I began thinking about adopting our son from Bulgaria, my husband was TOTALLY against it! We already had five biological kids and he would have been happy to be done at 4!! He was actually not only against the adoption but very upset with me for even suggesting it. On top of that our son had special needs (they are much worse than we even knew then) so that even worried him more. He even claimed he wouldn't pray about it when I suggested it. Finally after a long and serious talk one evening where I told him that for some reason our son Mitko's face would not leave my mind nor the thought of adopint him, my husband agreed to pray about it. After about a month of our praying and fasting my husband actually had a very amazing experience in the middle of one night where basically he said the Lord told him he was to adopt Mitko, that financially we would be blessed for it and that our marriage would be blessed because of him. From that day forward he has not looked back and actually it has been me that has had doubts because of some of Mitty's problems--my husband has never doubted his answer and we have been very, very blessed in every way.
So, what I am saying and what I actually said to your husband at the meeting was that he needs to pray about it and find out if this is what the Lord has in mind for your family. Logic says to me, you absolutely deserve to adopt a little girl having three boys and four isn't so many--but hey, I am one of 11 kids so it is easy for me to say huh?! I do know of many families where it was absolutely the wife that first thought of adoption, especially in situations where the family was able to have biological children first. I will say that your husband and you do indeed need to pray if this is right for your family. Even without a child with special needs it can be a strain if the two of you are not on the same page.
I know all about the discouragement and I remember one night shortly before Mike got his answer that I basically just said to the Lord, "I am so tired of fighting my husband on this and the strain in our marriage and so you need to tell me why you have put this little boy into my heart and mind." I also said in my prayer that I would try to be open to what the Lord wanted if he did not want me to adopt this little boy but that I needed help to let it go if necessary."
Well, our answer was to adopt him. I don't know what your answer will be but I believe that if you feel it is right and that the Lord agrees with you, then he will help your husband to know. I hope I haven't been too personal but want you to know that I know where you are coming from and that this is a difficult time making this big decision.
Take care,
Kathy Junk

I printed off a copy of this e-mail to keep in my journal and I am approaching J in a different way regarding adoption - not at all. I feel I need to be quiet, just let him be for a while. I told him out of frustration on Saturday that I wouldn't bring it up again until after O's birthday in June. I hardly believe I can make it that long! What was I thinking?! But, I do know for now I need to be silent on the subject and just pray that his heart will be touched and softened without my help...uh...nagging. Sometimes I feel as if A's little spirit is tagging along with me - nudging me all the time - if that's the case she needs to nudge her dad here for while.