Maybe it is this time of year, maybe it is because I cannot seem to get into the Christmas Spirit...whatever it is, I am having a hard time. I feel like we are never going to bring our baby girl home, like it is never going to be time. I know it has only been four months since our papers have been turned in...I know that even if in the day that referrals came fast we still wouldn't have her home...I know these things. I know that there are families who have been waiting much longer than I have - my heart hurts for you too...but, I am selfish right now. I can only seem to think about myself and my daughter and her family here waiting for her - aching for her. Where is she? Who is holding her? Is she warm? Is her tummy full? Does she feel happy or content? When she cries does someone come to her and comfort her? Does she know that someone loves her? Does she feel wanted? How much longer until I can give her all of these things? Will the time ever come that I can hold her and nuzzle her and kiss her fingers and toes and neck? I long to feel her soft baby skin and hold her tiny fingers in my hand. I long to have her brothers try to make her laugh, and her dad to talk in his adorable baby voice to her. I have doubts and I hate myself for that. I hate that I second guess everything - every thought that I have had, every feeling that has entered my heart. I am a mom and I know my daughter is waiting for me...does she know how much I am longing for her? To call her my own? We talk about A like she is already here. She is so real to my boys and to John and me. People who don't know us well ask..."are you expecting? you don't look pregnant?" and then my answer , and then their question..."When?". I hate that question - but it is something that is constantly on my mind. When? When will this longing end?
I am coming for you baby...but, I'm not sure when.
9 comments:
I know how you feel, I think pretty much everybody waiting does. I put on a happy smiling face, but deep inside there is the constant nagging of when, where, how long, how long, how long? Just remember that it will happen at the right time. I know those are hard words to accept, but keep the faith...remember what has been promised to us.
I hope things can lighten up for you.
I am right there with you. Christmas just isn't the same this year. I feel Maya's absence, and I bet you are feeling A's. I am not a religious person, but I do feel that God is watching over our daughters and comforting them until we can bring them home. On another topic, all need to get together again soon.
Aching with you.
It's the hardest pregnancy that I have had to endure thus far. I could have wrote your post.
Sending big hugs...
Nothing to add accept I hear you loud and clear - I've been having days like this also and I know there is nothing to make it better - well maybe a huge batch of referrals next month :) Here's to a happy holiday to you and family and a healthy New Year!
Daniella
www.kowalskijourney.blogspot.com
I feel pretty much the same way! I feel like if I only had an idea when she might come home I could cope so much better.
Oh, do I ever get what you're feeling....most times I can put it on the back burner, but when I start to really think about it, I go to pieces. Your post was so beautiful and true.Thanks for putting into words what everyone in the China adoption community seems to be going through. I am praying for my little girl too, and for all those little ones waiting for their moms and dads to take them home.....
God is with you!
I feel your pain. I remember that when we were waiting for Sarah and I hung up her stocking for Christmas, how sad I was that she was not here with us. She may not know now that her family loves her and is waiting for her...but she will know one day and that's when it will make all the difference to her. All I can say to try to help is that it WILL happen one day. You WILL be together with A. and celebrate a Christmas as a complete family.
-Keeping you in my prayers,
Robin
I wish we knew how much longer it will be, I don't want to go another Christmas without our daughters! Have a merry Christmas with your family!!!
Hi, Tawni. It's me, Jami - fellow 8/15/06 LIDer. I just tried to comment to your post a few minutes ago and that comment is lost in cyberspace so I am trying again.
I can completely sympathize with your feelings as of Dec. 21. (that was the date of your last post, wasn't it?) Luckily for me, my dh and I have not yet had down times simultaneously. When I am having a particularly hard time with the wait, he is upbeat, and vice versa. We try to keep one another lifted up.
Here's a thought - we are almost 5 months into our wait. No matter how long it takes, those months are behind us. We will never have to wait those 5 months again!
I can hardly wait to meet you and travel with you! I'll check back with your blog often. Here's ours: http://livinglaughingloving.blogspot.com or www.adoptionvoyages.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
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