Tawnijo's Blog

Blogging Off

2007-09-21T10:20:00.000-06:00

Just for a while.

I am turning it off & stepping away.

Feel free to e-mail me.

Love you friends.

4 Days

2007-09-05T09:07:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to be positive - I can't think of anything. That's why this post is short. I know you all know what is going on in my brain, in my heart, my chest - so, I won't write it. You're experiencing the same things - I don't know if I can do this for 2 + years...it hurts.

Three Year Olds and Leper Colonies

2007-08-29T10:25:00.000-06:00

Two things for today. First, my 3-year-old. I love him. But, come 3:45pm each day it gets a little harder...let me explain. 3:45 is when my older boys get off of the bus and walk in the door from school - 3:45 is when O's board shorts out and he becomes some sort of wild maniac. He runs around in circles through the house yelling things like, "YOU'RE GONNA FIND COWS ON A COW FARM!!" or "E I B.Y.U.!!" in a not-so-sweet-3-year-old-roar. Seriously. It is exhausting. When 8:00 finally rolls around I welcome it with open arms and lay my baby to bed. Within seconds (literally) he is asleep. This past week I have had him in bed before 8 - more like 7:30. Sweet Serenity.

Second thing: There is this store, that will remain nameless, that, on occasion I visit, because sometimes their prices cannot be beat. I do most of the time avoid this particular store because I am fairly certain it could be considered a present-day leper colony. I broke down this past week and went there to buy some dishes - I was amazed that there was that fabulous of dishes there to begin with. I originally found them on Am@zon . But with a little bit of research I found them at the other store for less. So, I jumped in the car and ran there, bought them and ran out without any weird happenings. When I got home and was unpacking them I realized that one dish was broke. So, I jumped back in the car, receipt in hand to customer service to a "quick" exchange. 1 hour later (not exaggerating here) I finally got up to the clerk with bleach blonde hair and black roots, sparkly nails that were at least 1 inch long, and b**bs hanging out of her blue vest. (Nothing against big b**bed blondes here - wish I was one instead of a flat chested red-head that I am - it just looked like she had been around the block a few times). Anyhoo, after arguing for several minutes about which price on my receipt was correct I finally got my money back and ran into the depths of the store to grab another box of fabulous dishes. I swerved my cart in and out of people who looked as if they have not visited a shower or a mirror in at least 96 hours. After walking the isles 13 times I realized they were completely out of the fabulous dishes - completely frustrated and frazzled I sprinted out of the store to home down to my basement and ordered them off Am@zon - they should be here in 7-10 days. I swore to myself then and there I would never go back to that store. Sadly, I report, my Mother-in-Law called to inform me we are having family pictures taken there Saturday because she can get like 300 pictures for $5.88. I wonder if that clerk will let me borrow her blue vest for our pictures - It would be only fitting...ugh.

2007-08-28T07:58:00.000-06:00

Thanks for listening to me vent and rant and rave. You are all wonderful. You have no idea how much I appreciate your kind and empathetic words. I know it probably sounds weird - but, it is a comfort to know that someone else has dealt with this same situation and made it through without becoming a horrible person.

Thank you friends.

Ugh

2007-08-20T10:42:00.000-06:00

Update: I am now up to $8.00. Although I did find out G will pay in advance and money doesn't mean much to O...not sure what to do there.

I set a new rule at my house. I get a quarter for every time someone passes gas (while not in a locked bathroom) - fake noises included. I set the new rule this weekend after visiting my parents with E and he flops down on their beautiful leather couch in his sweaty football uniform and proceeds to just let it fly without reservation. G is obsessed right now with armpit farts and continuously did it while sitting at a restaurant on Friday evening. O has no shame and he is only 3. Since yesterday at 6:00pm and I have made a total of $3.25. At this rate my kids are going to pay my way to China. I am SO sick of my kids have no manners and just being completely disgusting. I am sick of having to roll down the windows in my car while it is 104 degrees outside while my boys are rolling with laughter in the backseat. I am tired of having to apologize to other adults in restaurants and grocery stores because my 3-year-old thinks the funniest sound in the world comes out is butt. Honestly, it is exhausting and disgusting.

1 Year

2007-08-15T12:35:00.001-06:00

Today is our 1 year LID anniversary. It is hard for me to believe it has been 12 months. In some ways it has flown by - in others, time seems at a standstill. I am strangely at peace lately. This wait is hard, but, I believe I've accepted it. I've thought a lot about my daughter (I always do), but, she is constantly on my mind lately. I feel so close to her and connected with her. I pray that these feelings will just intensify when she is finally comes home and grows into womanhood. I ache for a daughter. I am very close to all of my sons, but, I ache to feel that closeness with my daughter too. I haven't started her room yet. It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just that I haven't made the time. Her closet is exploding with "stuff"...clothes, bedding, shoes. Her crib is in our office waiting to be moved upstairs and put together. But, I'm not planning on doing anything right now. It will all sit in boxes, on hangers with tags on until the time is right. But, today, for now, she will live in my heart.

I love you baby.

GA

2007-08-07T15:53:00.000-06:00

I cannot tell you what an amazing time I had in Georgia at bloggerfest. I almost chickened out the day before. I am SO glad I didn't. I fell in love with everyone I met and spent time with. If China new the caliber of women that are waiting to bring our daughters home - there would not be this blasted wait going on. I feel completely blessed to have had the experiences there with all of you.

Melissa - you and your hubs are the most generous and kind people I have ever met. Your home is beautiful and you have me wishing I lived in Georgia - even if I felt like I was suffocating in the humidity.

Tracy - you are even more amazing in person. I felt a connection with you since day one and I am lucky to have spent time with you. I truly consider you a dear friend and I am grateful for that friendship even more now. I hope to see you in FLA soon!

Susie - you were a wonderful travel bud - even if you did sleep in FOREVER!! (just teasin') ;0) Thanks for dealing with my bossiness! You truly are one of the sweetest people I know. I am SO excited to travel to China with you. I know it is not coincidence we met

Catherine - You are my friend and my kindred spirit - I feel a lifelong friendship coming on! I love you! 'nuff said.

Krista - I thought of you today when I saw a bumper sticker that said - "Margarita-ville University" and, if I drank I would have you make mine! I love your spunky and sarcastic sense of humor...I wonder why??? Someday I will visit you in Daytona ;)

Connie - I never stopped laughing because of you. You are witty, funny, and a true intellect. You are my true fine hair, red-headed friend - a kinship only you and I can understand.

Kris - What can I say? I feel a friendship and admiriation for you. Even on the first night when I put my foot in my mouth - you still gave me a chance - thank you. You are an amazing woman. Thanks for the tips on photog. - I am inspiried by you - truly.

Stacey - You are kind and sweet - I wish I could be more like you.

Maryellen - You are funny, hip and an amazing mom. I need your sense of humor and outlook on life.

Alison and Mali - There is no better pair than the 2 of you. You were meant to be together and it illuminates from you both.

Heather - Thanks for the shovel - I know I will get to China a little faster now! Thanks for making me some virigin drinks...YUM! You are perhaps one of the funniest and beautiful women I have have ever met. You light up the room.

Angela - Your sweet voice still rings in my head and heart. I don't think I've ever met anyone so sweet in all of my life.

Lisa - I could feel the love and excitement you had to FINALLY bring Briana home. You gave me hope that my day will come too.

Lisa and Maisie - Beautiful mom and daughter! Fabulous cook, good friend, and radiant spirits. I am SO excited to see you both again!!

Debbie & Kathy - I didn't get to know you as much as I would have liked, but, I feel fortunate to have met you and hope to meet you again in the future.

I have been working on this post for days now and the words still don't feel right. I don't know how to put into words the connection and friendship I feel with all of you. It started for me as a simple connection of circumstance - we are all women waiting to adopt our daughters from China. Which is a big deal in as of itself - but, now it is deeper. You are my friends, my kindred spirits, and in a way my family. I love you all. It sounds cliche', but I mean it - I really do. Thank you for everything - the memories, the gifts, the laughs, the tears...most of all, your friendship.

P.S.

And, just for the record. Next time I am NOT staying in a hotel - I missed WAY too much.

I'm In!!!

2007-08-04T20:52:00.000-06:00

Just a quick blog to say I am in and I will be blogging more from now on - just gotta get our stuff put away! "Talk" to you all soon!!

(this picture is for you Melissa!)

Still Not In

2007-07-30T16:37:00.000-06:00

First of all I want to say that I would like to drop kick our contractor and anyone else who has a building permit. We're still not in. N.O.T H.A.P.P.Y.

I had a FABULOUS time at the bloggy bash and can't wait until next year. I have your blogs to catch up on and a whole post about how FABULOUS it was. I have some pics too...LOVED IT!!

I NEED TO MOVE HOME. GOING CRAZY.

Come hell or high water I am moving in on Wednesday...

NEED. TO. BLOG.

NEED TO READ BLOGS.

NEED ALL OF YOU.

Homeless with Maroon hair

2007-06-29T14:09:00.000-06:00

A quick hello to say we are still homeless and lord help me this is going to be the longest month of my life...

To keep the hair saga going - my hair is no longer old-lady-ish. But, because of a stylist that has a much wilder wild side than me my hair is borderline maroon. I am a real red-head. But, Tuesday I became a "Fake Red-head" - (sorry Kev...I've disappointed our 2% of the population and gone fake...)I've always been proud to be a red-head - but, for some reason I decided the a change needed to happen. And now each morning when I wake I look in the mirror and look at my reflection and say "oh yah, crap...I dyed my hair..." For those of you who may see me within the next 6-8 weeks - feel free to laugh in front of me - I do each time I see myself. I have a sense of humor and I find it refreshing to laugh through a crisis. And yes - this hair is a crisis...

Away

2007-06-18T12:47:00.000-06:00

I am away - not cuz I want to be - just cuz of this...

We are under construction here, no kitchen, no furniture,

We've moved in with my in-laws for 6-8 weeks. They have

no Internet, which means I can't blog or read anyone else's

blog *hyperventilating* - I will post when I can...miss you all...

A book and Audible

2007-06-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

I have found a book that I love, love, love. It is not one that I would have ever picked on my own - thus, the love of Book Groups. It is a young adult read - and since most of the time I forget that I'm no longer 17 years old, I got totally into it from the beginning. I bought it and without knowing if I would like the first one I bought the second book. It is called Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. The second book is New Moon. I am hooked...rather, addicted to this series. The third book Eclipse is due out this August. I am a little annoyed at that. I haven't started the Harry Potter Series specifically so I don't have to wait for each book to come out. I never watch the TV show 24 during the season because I can't bear to wait week to week. I wait for it to come out on DVD and then watch it from start to finish in one weekend. So, now I am hooked on this series that I will have to wait at least 1 year in between each novel...it bites. Anyway - back to the book - I started to read the book I got totally engrossed in it. This is scary because when I get into a book I let everything else go in my life. My kids run around like maniacs through the streets, my home goes to shambles around me, laundry piles up, no one eats, I get sleep deprived...this is a slight exaggeration...but, honestly I have a hard time putting it down. We are in the middle of a remodel and moving out temporarily to my in-laws. I didn't have time to sit and read. So, I got online and found the site Audible and downloaded both books to my i-pod. This is the greatest invention EVER. Why hadn't I thought of this before? It is brilliance, I tell you! I have been SO productive. I've cleaned and packed my home, caught up on my laundry and finished the first book, and now am 1/2 way through the second. It's wierd though. I have this nagging thought in my head that I'm cheating - I'm not really reading the book, so it doesn't count. Seriously, who's gonna know??? And, honestly who's gonna care??? See, I do act 17...snort.

How Nice Is This???

2007-06-07T15:38:00.000-06:00

OK - so I walked in the door from work today and was cleaning up my house when my doorbell rang. It was a girl in my neighborhood (she's in college and living at home for the summer) we've talked a few times and she's wanted to get together for a pedicure, but I've just been so busy - it hasn't worked out. Anyway, there she is at my door with a pair of jeans. She said she was at the mall and found them for a killer deal and decided to get me a pair...how nice is that???? She is really that sweet. There are such good hearted people in the world. It's not just the jeans that makes her nice - it is just who she is. She is kind and genuinely concerned about people. I know her parents very well and they are just like her. They are an amazing family. In this world of crime and hostility there is still good out there - all around us. It's in who we are and how we make others feel. My neighbor is one of those people who make this world a beautiful place. I think I am going to take her for a pedicure soon - the world needs pretty feet too. ;)

Updates: I told the hubs about this & he thinks it's wierd...is it wierd?? Nah...

I thought I had the music thing figured out - yah - no I didn't...I am such a blogger moron.

Music???

2007-06-06T15:22:00.000-06:00

Update: I THINK I figured it out...Thanks for all your help!!!!

I'll keep messing with it...

How do I put MUSIC on my blog??

I cannot for the life of me figure it out...

I am SO frustrated...H.E.L.P.

Someone??

New Shoes

2007-06-05T20:29:00.000-06:00

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
and suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
it's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes. (--Paolo Nutini)

After what seems to be another 6 day batch I am thinking a little shoe-therapy might do me some good. I am off to get me some Dansko's. I need a little pick-me-up anyway. I spent the weekend in bed with what I thought was a kidney stone - but, has seemed to slowly diminish into a dull lower back-ache. I should probably go to the dr. - but, really, who wants to go to the dr with a 3 year old - really. We moved all of our furniture downstairs because our contractor was going to knock out our walls - which hasn't happened. So, we are living with what can be microwaved and served on paper plates. We have a card-table and some folding chairs - we're livin' like rock stars (hey, I did look like Rod Stewart for a while...if the shoe fits). Tonight the wind is blowing so hard - I think we might end up in Kansas...but, with the thought of new shoes...suddenly everything is right...

Think Blog Award

2007-05-21T16:00:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to do this for quite a while now. Tracy made me feel terribly good when she said that my blog made her think - or was it laugh? Whatever the reason - it made my day and it made me think... Anyway, the idea is to pass it along to 5 blogs that make me think. So, here goes:

My lil bro Brady is an amazing person. His blog makes me laugh and his comments on my blog never cease to crack me up. He is one of the funniest people I know and also one of the most creative people I know. He is a deep thinker and never gives himself enough credit for it. He is a tough guy, but at the same time in touch with his feminine side - and totally comfortable with that. He is an amazing writer and I keep telling him to get started on that novel - I know it will be a best seller. If you want a glimpse of what my baby bro is like - watch an episode of scrubs - J.D. is his brunette twin - I swear. I love you Brady.

Susie is the first adoptive mom I really connected with "live." We met on the APC board of all places, realized we lived within just a few minutes of each other, were going to have close LID and that was the start of our friendship. We met for lunch at Chick-Fil-A, let the kiddos played and talked for the longest time. We were friends from the minute we connected. Our LID's are only 5 days apart and will be in the same travel group when we finally pick our baby girls up . I truly don't believe we met by chance.

I found Tracy's blog one day, loved the fact that she had 3 boys as well (four counting our hubs), and I had an instant connection. I visit her blog everyday expecting the best and am never let down. Her blog has made me laugh, cry, left me speechless, inspired me and comforted me. This is my daily must read. I can't believe how much alike we are (I hope that doesn't scare you Tracy!). I really feel a true friendship with her and am so grateful we met in this wide world of blog.

Jen's blog gives me what I need to believe we are really going to bring our baby girl home. I love her posts. They are so real and so open. She is an amazing woman and Ebony is an amazing and beautiful baby girl. I look forward to her posts and her pictures. They honestly make this journey feel real...I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I love to visit Amy & David's blog, they are an incredible couple and so completely grounded. I have been inspired by them and their story. I love how open and candid they are in their posts. They are going to make incredible parents. I find myself going to their blog right after referrals come out to see what they are "thinking" and have felt some comfort through them.

Some people think I am wierd that I spend so much time blogging...but, honestly, look at what I would have missed out on had I not.

It's your turn - feel free to play along.

Some Play to Win

2007-05-20T10:07:00.000-06:00

(E is # 11 - the boy in the orange penny is the other kid who had to sat out - all so the coach could get his win.)

Friday night was E's (almost) last soccer game - ever. He has played on a competition league team for the past 2 years and has done really well. He is by no means the best player on the team, but he really does have a talent for soccer - when his heart is in it. This half of the season his heart just hasn't been in it. I am sure part of it is him, but I think a lot has to do with his coach. It really saddens me that an adult can act this way. Friday was the semi-finals for a small tournament he was in. He played maybe 10 min. of the first half - which I didn't think anything of. The team was down 1-0. So started the second half, and then ended the second half. E didn't get on the field at all. The coach didn't play him and one other player at all. The game went into overtime with the score tied at 2. E and the same boy didn't get into the overtime either. They won the game 3-2. But, the coach got his win. My blood was boiling. After the game I went and told E that he had a good game and he just looked up at me with tears in his eyes like I had said the most ridiculous thing in the world. My heart hurt so bad for him. I wanted to walk right up to that coach and kick him in the groin. We stayed for a parents meeting after the game and then the 2 of us walked silently back to the car. I called John to let him know how the game went and what happened (John was working late). After I hung up the phone with John, E and I had this conversation:

E: Mom. I know why I didn't play.

me: Why, hon?

E: well, Justus said that we played terrible the first half. So, he had to play the best players on the team, and the worst players had to stay out - so he could win.

me: Do you think you're the worst player on the team?

E: Yes.

me: Why do you think that? (As if I needed to ask)

E: *silent*

me: You're not E. Sometimes life isn't fair. There isn't an explanation for it. It's just the way it is sometimes. (I couldn't come up with anything better than that??)

E: *silent*

Now, I am sure the coach did not tell E he was the worst player on the team. But, this is the way his 9 year old mind interpreted and made sense of what happened to him and the other boy. I cannot put into words how angry and hurt I felt for my son. The next morning was his last game and I sent John and E together without me. I know some of you won't agree with this action, but I couldn't take another game like the night before. I can't believe E even went. But, this just shows what an amazing person he is. He went, he played and played hard for his team.

He had been going back and forth all season long about whether or not he wanted to try out for soccer again or try football or Lacrosse. Now, whatever doubts he had about soccer were solidified on Friday night. Saturday after his last game he ecstatically told John he was so glad the season was over and he couldn't wait to try something else.

The picture above is how he looked by the end of the game. When I see this picture and think of what effect this game had on my son I feel sick and proud at the same time. He is a bigger person than his coach. He is the example to his coach - and his coach can't even see it. It is sad what some adults will do to win. Well, his coach won indeed.

I never get it right the first time, or the second time, or the third...

2007-05-18T16:08:00.000-06:00

K, the word verification thing drives me nuts...I know it is a necessity, so I am not bawling to have everyone take it off - I have it to keep out all the pervs and wierdo's out there - it just that it drives me freaking crazy. I have to type and re-type atleast three times before I get it right. Why??? WHY??? I took type in high school (it was still type then - not keyboarding like today - geez, I'm old.). Why is it that this simple task I just completely flop at??? I am apparently word verification retarded (wvr). Is this a common disorder??

Go Jazz!

2007-05-17T11:49:00.000-06:00

It's all about the playoffs and all about the Jazz! GO JAZZ, GO JAZZ, GO, GO, GO JAZZ!

All Show, No Go...

2007-05-16T17:23:00.000-06:00

That's what I am - all talk - I say I am going to post this or post that - but do I??? NO.

Today I have a good reason - last night I didn't - last night I was just plain lazy. Today I have been fighting with my dishwasher...I threw this plastic bin in that I usually keep my dish soap, scrubbers, vinegar, etc. in because the bottom of it was covered in some sort of goo...later I found out that goo was dish soap. So, my dishwasher literally threw up suds. They were coming out from everywhere - sides, bottom, top...apparently dishwashers don't like plain dish soap - yah, like I didn't know this. So all day I fought with this machine. It took me a full 4 hours, a full shop vac and 10 bath towels to finally win. I still have my entire house to clean and my 2 year old to throw on the toilet every 20 minutes. Luckily the hubs took the 2 oldest to E's soccer tourney and will be gone for a good 2 hours.

I am still working on that "huge" post...I am still trying to figure out how to download pic's from a $50 digi camera I won off e-bay...I think I am figuring out why it was only $50. I hope I can figure it out though - I got some good footage to show y'all. I will hook you by giving you a couple of hints - Mariner's vs. Yankee's, a obnoxious drunk fan, and a street performer...ooooo...good stuff.

Maybe tonight??? Yah, who am I kidding??? Soon - I hope!!

P.S. Let me clarify the "huge" post - now, this only means it is a LONG post, NOT that I have HUGE news...there is NO HUGE news...just a long post with lots of pics and some footage...some good stuff - but not anything ground breaking...

9 Months

2007-05-15T11:55:00.000-06:00

Happy LID-versary to Us! Yay! 9 months down...

I won't even place a guess as to how much longer.

And to be honest - it doesn't matter to me anymore,

I will wait as long as it takes to bring my baby girl home.

I love you, love...

I am 9 months closer to you.

I have a HUGE (as in long - not big news)

post I am working on...watch for it tonight

(as if I have these avid readers, who wait breathlessly for my posts...

I just pretend)...

Please Watch - You'll Laugh - Promise

2007-05-07T10:14:00.000-06:00

Even baby pandas have to sneeze. My boys and I have watched this no less than 30 times this morning and each time one of them jumps...like they were not expecting it...freakin' hilarious.

P.S. Working on a photo collage of my boys to post later today...have I mentioned how cute they are (well, when they're not whining or fighting or complaining or...well, you know).

Just Catching Up...and a vent

2007-05-02T20:15:00.000-06:00

Hi there! I am officially out of my "funk" and am feeling rather upbeat and spunky - back to my usual self...except when I'm premenstrual...but, that's a whole other post. I think I have really accepted this wait. Not that I am thrilled about it - but, maybe just come to terms with it. I just keep telling myself it's not a matter if if but when. And to be completely honest it wasn't the wait that put me in the funk - it was just the unknowns of it all. I found myself doubting - and then I realized (I am going to get all spiritual here) that there is a higher power in charge of this all - and I am not talking about the CCAA - He knows where my daughter is and He will get me to her when the time is right. I just wish I could see when that is going to be - but, I've accepted the fact that I can't and I will just keep forging ahead and living life - not just living it, but loving it too. I would hate to look back on this wait and realized I wasted a butt-load of time feeling sorry for myself. So...I'm back.

I've also realized that this blog is going to be my journal for A to read someday. It will not mean anything to her if I only post every two weeks or month - I mean - how will she know how I felt on the day she was born if I didn't write about my day that day. This blog needs to be for her as well as for me. So, a new goal - to post everyday and get back in the groove. I need to set aside blog-time each day and just write. There may be posts that I don't want her to read - that's the power of blog - I will just delete it - she doesn't need to know what a moron her mom can be.

We have officially started on our addition - they poured the footings yesterday and should be doing the floor joyces (sp?) and framing next week. I am getting excited. But, I still have this enormous bug to move. I have been dragging John and the boys from house to house and neighborhood to neighborhood - driving them all stark raving mad. It has nothing to do right now with my home. I love my home...and I know I will even more once our addition is finished. It's "this couple" near me. I am going out on a limb here even writing this because I know some of our mutual friends know my blog - who knows if they even read it - but, at this point I could really care less. I have to vent and I will vent here. John is exhausted from all of my boobing and so is my mom. I won't go into any particular details. But, it is so sad to me and has hurt me beyond I can express how destructive people can be to my children, my friendships and to be honest, my self-esteem. I have watched my E be excluded - which brings out the meanest bear in me - don't mess with my kids - there will be hell to pay. I have friends - well, who I thought were friends - sit and listen and not defend me and my husband, and I have had this particular couple talk behind my back and literally treat me like sh**. I do not have the personality to confront them - I have willingly called myself a spine-less wimp. Maybe I need to change that part of me and just confront them - but, then I wonder if it would do any good. So, then the most "logical" thing to do would be to move and run away from it all - terribly mature, I know. So, maybe once this addition is done we will put our house for sale and move - but, maybe by then everything will be fine and I will feel better about things. I told John I will give it 6 months or so and see where we're at...we agreed on that.

I have realized that I am a HUGE fan of Nacho Libre - don't ask me why - it really is such a stupid movie - but it cracks me up terribly - every time I see it it get funnier and funnier...who knew I would be a fan of Jack Black?? O can sing this song word for word - which is perhaps the cutest thing ever - he even does the actions. I need to film him and let you all see it -talk about cute...anyhoo - watch Jack sing this song at least 3 times - you'll laugh even harder each time. :)

I am on a HUGE organizing and cleaning spree in my house - I bought the book House Works - K - this book is AWESOME. Sincerely. It has the best ideas - that truly work. I have gone from room - to - room organizing and got myself on a cleaning system. She even has ideas for kids (and hubs) to get involved - she says they have to in order for a household to work -it is SO true. We've had some griping and some complaining - but, soon the system will be habit and it just works. I love, love, love it.

Lola is still not potty-trained and neither is O...it is driving me out 0f my mind. Lola is stuck in the kitchen at all times and O is still in pull-ups...any advice here would be great. I am tired. Lola will not "go" on the kitchen floor - which is why she is stuck there - but, I really want her to be able to be "in" the whole house...how do I do this??? And, I have potty-trained 2 other boys by the age of 2 1/2...O will be 3 in just a month or so and he is so not close. It's like he just doesn't care. He knows when he needs to go - I totally know he is ready is is just the most stubborn kid - I am ripping my hair out here...

Anyhoo - there is the latest in my little world...I am off to visit your blogs - which I do most days anyway - but, today I will begin to finally comment again - Goodbye bogger funk!!!

Blogger Funk

2007-04-12T13:10:00.000-06:00

I have been in a blogger funk...and I am not sure when it will end. Each day I go to post something and I'm not sure what to post...like today...but, to all of my bloggy friends, I read your blogs everyday and I miss our "time" together. I am not depressed or sad - just in a funk. That is the only way to explain it.

This time tomorrow I will sit down at my computer and go to write something meaningful or perhaps a little funny...will my funk turn funky??? Only time will tell.

Just as a passing thought I went to BrightOutlooks and calculated if the CCAA continues to do 2 day batches we will receive our referral 5/2019...not too shabby...

Another thought here - I no longer have Old Lady Hair - it is more like Johnny Depp in Willy Wonka - now, if I could just get my teeth as white as his.

We have officially started our addition on our house - we scratched moving and decided to add on. The real work begins next week...maybe this will take my mind off what is going on with our adoption...yeah right.

We're off to exotic Boise, Idaho for E's soccer tournament tomorrow...nothing against Boise - really.

I had a long heart to heart talk with our Agency last night. I cried a lot and asked a lot of questions. I am still trying to let it all sink in - My eyes are puffy today - I've had several people tell me I look like h*ll - no I don't, I look like Willy Wonka - just look at my hair. Idiots...

2 Dreams

2007-04-05T10:42:00.000-06:00

I had a dream about A last night - it was so vivid and so real. It has been so long since I have dreamt of her...I woke up smiling...

Last week I had a dream about seeing a ladybug on G's Nintendo DS - why on his DS?? I have no idea...but, a ladybug none-the-less. Do you think it would have anything to do with this ladybug that happened to come to me in the mail?? WHO sent this?? Whoever you are - you are brilliant!

Two good dreams within a week - is this a sign?? Yeah, probably not...but, maybe...

Funny Video...

2007-04-04T16:46:00.000-06:00

Here's a funny video...I'm too lazy to post anything else today...have a cold. Make sure to turn your sound up...

Can you stand how cute this is??

2007-04-02T16:30:00.000-06:00

This will be a quick post to say I am back from a blog hiatus and also to share this video my girlfriend sent me...can you stand how cute this is??? You HAVE to watch this and turn your volume up...

7 Months

2007-03-15T10:09:00.000-06:00

YAY! 7 months down!

*high five*

I am treating myself to a pedicure tonight. With this attitude change I completely deserve it.

*patting myself on the back*

Yesterday I was able to spend most of the day with John in a very peaceful place. I thought about how lucky I am to be in this wait...not too long ago I thought it would never happen and I would never see my baby girl's face. But, now I am seven months closer to her. These are seven months I never have to re-do.

In these seven months I have made lifelong friends all across the globe. I've realized what a small world it really is and how connected we are to one another.

I've shopped for girlie things that were for my A (not just for someone else's shower gift).

I've read books on adoption, books on China, books on raising girls.

I've read your blogs everyday - I've felt inspired by them, I've cried with them, I've rejoiced with them, I've laughed with them.

I've watched my boys grow. They have made me laugh, cry, yell, and have left me speechless.

I've felt my love for John grow - even still in almost 11 years of marriage. He's made me laugh and cry (and yell)...he's comforted me when I ache for my daughter.

I've been through a myriad of emotions - and each time I end up happy.

My life is good...and I am grateful.

These 7 months have been priceless.

Attitude Adjustment / To Do List

2007-03-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

John and I were laying in bed last night talking and I was complaining about how long A's adoption is going to take. He said something that really struck me and really made me look at things differently. He said that even when we started we knew it would at least be 12-14 months. I really have no reason to moan and groan right now. We knew it was going to take a long time. Some of you when you started the process were told 6-9 months - and now you are going on 1 year or more. I need to suck it up and quit being such a boober. Wen we hit the 15 month mark then I may complain. But, not now...(at least not out loud).

I started going through a list of all of the things I need to accomplish before we bring A home. I have more than enough to keep me busy. :) So here it goes:

1. Our remodel and addition. John and I decided not to move (for now) we are going to add on and remodel what we have. We will be starting this month. I am really getting excited about it now. I know it will be a pain, but so worth it when it is finished.

2. Get E & G moved downstairs. We put up these cool wood trims up in their would-be rooms downstairs like 6 months ago and have never painted them...I need to get that done and get them moved downstairs into their own rooms - I am sick of them sharing a room. It takes them forever to fall asleep at night and their room is always a disaster.

3. Move O's room into E & G's room now. I need to repaint and re-decorate.

4. Closet Organizers for the boys rooms and A's room. I found this cool site that lets you design your own closet - and the price isn't too bad either. I also went to Lowe's and liked what they had there. They sure beat the closet company that came out to give me a bid - $2600 for 4 closets...ouch!

5. I need to decorate A's room. I got this fabulous crib and dresser set from my neighbor. I was just going to use the one I have used for all of my boys. But, my neighbor called and wanted to know if I would be interested in her crib set - (uh...yah...duh) :). It's gorgeous. She had it imported from Italy. It is gorgeous and girly. I love, love love it. From the crib it turns into this adorable day-bed. I can't wait to put her room together, but I need to get my boys' rooms finished first.

6. Organize and clean our office / craft room. It is such a mess and really could be a cool room. It just needs some TLC.

7. Our master bed room is pathetic. It needs a complete and total overhaul...to say the least.

8. I need to get Stone Mountain's files and my office completely organized and functional. It's driving John crazy - which normally I totally ignore, but, I'm starting to feel bad and starting next month he's going to be my boss...which scares me a little. I better be on my best behavior! :)

9. I need to go through and shred all of the last (almost) 11 years of financial stuff that is sitting in boxes on the floor of our home office. And I need to file all of our important documents and tax information. Dreading this one.

10. I need to organize our family photos - hard copies and copies on our computer. I also need to find a web-site that I can store all of our pictures on. Our friend's sister's house just burned to the ground and they lost everything - including their pictures. Made me think.

11. Try to get caught up on our scrapbooks. I say try because you have no idea how far behind I am. It is overwhelming to even think about.

12. I need to give a little love to our yard - front and back. I have some good ideas I need to get going on once the good weather is here to stay. I can't wait to start working in the dirt.

13. I should have listed this one first - but, it is the worst of all - I need to get O potty trained. UGH...SO dreading this one! I also need to get Lola house-trained. She is getting close, just a little more time!

14. I need to patch and re-paint our family room downstairs where we had the water leak at Christmas. Also need to replace 2 of the baseboards in our hallway downstairs.

I know there are more things to list - but, I can't think of them right now. I need to make a hard copy of this and hang it up where I can always see it. I will keep adding to it as I think of things.

So, here's to a BIG change of attitude and whole lot of ambition!

2007-03-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

I just feel blah. There is not anything new that has caused this mood. Maybe it's my hormones or maybe I am just terribly self absorbed - whose knows. The weather was absolutely beautiful here today. My boys played outside and ran and ran. Some days I wish I were that young again - to just be free of stress and worry - to just be able to run and run. I wish I could recapture some of that joyful youth, throw it in a bottle and drink a little on days like today. I looked online at some of the new referral's and I felt jealous - how horrible is that??? Those families have waited 3x as long as I have and I didn't even feel happy for them. I know you're all thinking what a horrible person I am - I am too. I just need to get these things out - to be honest, I don't even know if I will feel better or worse once I post this. I guess that's the magic of blog - it can be erased. I want my baby girl here. I want to watch her run and run outside with her brothers. I want to touch her silky soft hair and smell her baby soft skin. I want to look in her eyes and see her beautiful smile. I want hold her and rock her and love her. I am feeling sorry for myself and I am only 6 months into this wait. I know I am being selfish - I am just not sure how to snap out of this. Like Tracy, I need to find my happy place...where the he** is it???

The Letter S

2007-03-06T20:44:00.001-07:00

Melissa generously gave me the letter S. I need to list 10 things I like/love that start with the letter S. I have been meaning to do this for 2 weeks now...you know how I get on things so quickly...haha.

1.
Spouse-a.k.a. John. I am madly in love with this man. I mean, look at him - he's hot! :) He is the perfect match for me. He is everything I want, need, and love. He's my everything.

2.
Scoots, Smalls, & Squirt - these are the nicknames for my boys...all start with S. John gave E his nickname "Scoots" when he learned to crawl - er - scoot around, G is "Smalls" because he is just so stinkin' little, and O is "Squirt" because when he was born he looked just like Squirt (the little sea turtle) on Finding Nemo...seriously. The boys next mission is to find a nickname for A that start with the letter S...any ideas??

3.
Sue - My best girlfriend. I love her & I can't live without her - 'nuff said. (This is Sue and I in London 3 years ago - I'm in the big fat pink coat and Sue's in the middle)

4.
Siblings - I have 1 sister and 2 brothers. I love 'em all. We all live within 5 minutes from each other and I wouldn't have it anyother way. I can't live without my brothers - they're two of my best friends. Love 'em.

Spinach Salad from Zupa's - 1 word: YUM

Silence - I love it in my house after my boys are asleep. I didn't think I'd ever love the silence quite like I do. Don't get me wrong - I love the noise...but, it's nice to have a break.

S** - this one's for John...I wouldn't feel right if it weren't on my list. No need to explain :)

8. Shoes - This is the one thing I can always find that fits me perfectly. I can't get enough shoes or purses. I am setting A up for this same obsession - check these out:

Strawberry Shortcake Rolls by Little Debby - mmmm - love these. John thinks they taste like wax - that just means there's more for me...WOOHOO

10.

Sleep - I love it and I need lots of it. Give me a nap and I'm yours. It's a simple pleasure that I crave.

Let me know if you want to play and I'll give you a letter - nothing impossible like - Q or X...promise. :)

Here's Something Positive...

2007-03-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

On the wake of finding out the CCAA referred only 11 days I thought I would post what my friend's agency is saying.

They (the agency) is expecting things to be very slow for the next 2-3 months - then they (the agency) expect the CCAA to refer double batches. They said they wouldn't be at all surprised to see the rest of '05 and all of '06 referred by the end of the year.

I know no one knows for sure what is going to happen; but, in the midst of all of this blah-ness -

I wanted to post some hope...

So here's hoping...because at this point what else can we do??

*Congratulations to everyone who will finally be able to see their baby's face!*

Back to School

2007-03-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhh...a sigh of relief...my boys are back in school.

This will be a short post - I must go out shopping for anything. I haven't done a good shop for 3 weeks now. We have year-round school here. Us Mormons keep pumpin' out kids here and the schools can't keep up with the load. So, year-round school it is. My boys are on C-track and today was their first day back after a 3 week break. Don't get me wrong - I love having them home. We slept in, they took swimming lessons, we ate junk food, watched movies...all around fun. But, it is always nice to send them back for their e.d.u.c.a.t.i.o.n.

Today O and I are off to finish buying my Secret Pal her gift and also finish up my Cyber Shower Gift (yes, I am almost 2 weeks late - I am a HUGE LOSER!). But, better late than never.

Last, but not least - here is a picture of A that my niece Hannah drew for me. So sweet! Not sure why she wrote - "sorry about the earrings" though - they look so cute in the picture. Hannah is 10, she is an angel and she is beautiful. She is going to be the best babysitter for A!

Random Thoughts on Big Buildings, Profanity and Other Important Things

2007-03-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

1. If John and I were to move our business into a bigger building and hire more people wouldn't you think it was because we are growing and are busier and expect to continue to grow and get even busier?? If the CCAA moved to a bigger building and are hiring more people wouldn't you think it was because they expected to get busier?? Then why are things so slow?? It just doesn't add up...will things speed up?? My heart used to say yes...but, now I am not so sure. If they keep doing 1/2 months of referrals we still have 20 months until we get our referral. That can't be possible! I am hanging on by a thread here.

2.I've recently became a potty mouth. I don't know if it the stress of life or just that I enjoy saying things like: Rat B@$#%rd and Son of a B&^%@. This is just not like me - honestly. I've always felt like swearing was a stupid persons' way of expressing her/himself...so, was I wrong?? Or am I really stupid and am just discovering it?? Either way I've got to stop - it is terribly unattractive.

3. This next thought is bitter-sweet. I've worked for my dad forever. My first job for him was shredding paper at the age of 12 or so. For the past few years I have been doing slightly more important things. I love it. I love working for my dad, I love seeing him twice a week here and seeing him in his comfort zone of sales. He is amazing. I love working with my brothers. I don't know if the feeling is mutual - but, I love it. Brady - my little brother is constantly making me laugh and I love the inside jokes we share. He has a side that I have finally gotten to know. I love him, he truly is one of my best friends. Kevin is my wiser older brother, full of insight and deep thoughts. I have love seeing him grow into this business as a career. He is a fellow Red-Head which is a bond only red-heads can understand. I love going to La Luna for smothered burritos on Thursdays and sharing in the laughs and conversation. March will be my last month. I have been doing the books at Stone Mountain and I just can't do both jobs. It's only 2 days a week - but I feel like I am half @ssing at both places...I can't get everything done that I need to at both places and I will not take more time away from my kids and home. So, starting in April I will only work 1 day a week (while my boys are at school) at Stone Mountain. I am happy, but also so sad at the same time. There is a chapter of my life closing and it is so hard to say goodbye. I know my leaving is not a huge thing to my dad's business...but, in my life it is.

4.I feel like I need to be doing things for A. But, seeing as she is not in my arms and in our home it is virtually impossible. I do shop for her a little and am planning her room...but, I need to be doing something more. So, I have been brainstorming a little and I have some preliminary thoughts. I want to make a donation to her orphanage. I thought about making quilts to take or little recieving blankets. Or, also, seeing how I love to shop maybe just load up on clothes to take with us. I am not sure what...If you have any ideas pass them on to me. I want to be doing something, but I am not sure what. One of my friends adopted her daughter from China about 8 years ago. Before she left she and several of her friends made a ton of quilts for her to take with her to China to donate. She was not able to take them directly to the orphanage, but the caretakers on Gotcha-day hauled all of the duffel bags full of quilts with them. Several months later while looking at referral pictures she saw some of the quilts she donated. Before that she worried that the quilts wouldn't really be taken to the orphanage - she was wrong.

5. This picture makes me laugh.... (You know he's thinking, "Rat B@#%rd")

6. And lastly, can anyone tell me the fabulous song that plays on Melissa's blog?? I would ask her directly, but, I don't want to bug her with all she is going through with Zeus. My heart breaks for her.

My Week...

2007-02-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

The pictures I posted are after I had sucked up at least an inch of water off of our storage room floor. Believe me it looked much worse than this! (Do you feel sorry for me yet??). I am still in the middle of organizing my storage room. Nice way to get motivated huh??

In the picture of Fan#2 I wrote notice the shoe holding the door open. Well, we had this company come out to suck up the water off of our floor and help us with the baseboards, etc...well, the brainiac that set up the fans closed the bathroom door so the fan sucked up a whole roll of toilet paper and shot it out in a zillion little pieces - when we opened the door it was a toilet paper snow storm. So, John stuck one of the boys' soccer shoes in front of the door to hold it open so it wouldn't happen again. The company that came out was an absolute joke and complete rip off...but, for $500 bucks we had our own little snow storm to clean up - as if we didn't have enough to do.

By 6:00 Monday night we had pretty much everything cleaned up and a new water heater installed. Yay. I am off to finish organizing all of our crap! Once John gets home it's repairs on the baseboards and wall in the hallway...woohoo!

This week I was supposed to go to St. George again with John (without the boys) - but, I knew I couldn't leave my house in shambles. So, I sent John by himself. Poor me! (now do you feel sorry for me??)

Wanna Swap?? (100 Good Wishes Quilt)

2007-02-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

What is a 100 Good Wishes Quilt?
To welcome and celebrate a new life, there is a tradition in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei, or 100 Good Wishes Quilt. It is a custom to invite friends and family to contribute a patch of cloth with a wish for the baby. Part of the patch of cloth goes into the quilt for the baby, and the other part of the cloth goes into a scrapbook with the wish for the child. The quilt contains the blessings from all the families and friends who contributed a piece of fabric.

I have started collecting patches of fabrics from some of my fellow July Fireflies, and also some other friends...But, I NEED MORE!!! Help! If you would like to participate or swap let me know! Email me! I think I have some terribly cute fabric to swap...an example is the pink rose fabric in the picture above. I also have some great pink asian fabric; some cute blue, orange and brown floral fabric; some pink and brown contemporary fabric...let me know!!!

Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency (SNL Skit)

2007-02-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

This one is for Tracy's post "Stupid".
Sad thing is there really are people this stupid...

A Shee-Shee-Poo-Poo Blog Added...

2007-02-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

I HAVE to give credit to Shannon for this idea...I love, love. love her idea! So, thanks Shannon!!

Shee-Shee-Poo-Poo-Closet will be a blog to show and write about everything I fill A's closet and room with...all shee-shee-poo-poo-licious.

Shopping for A. has been a fabulous and delicious adventure...it has opened up a whole new world for me. I know I am crazy for shopping for her already - but, seriously, I CANNOT help myself.

6 MONTHS (and a day)

2007-02-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I missed it.

Yesterday was our 6 month LID anniversary!

It seems unreal to me that we have been logged in for a half of a year...

in other ways it already seems like forever.

Either way I look at it we are 6 months closer to our baby girl.

NewSong - China Rescue (wiping tears)

2007-02-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

This is already on so many blogs right now...but, I need it on mine too.

2007-02-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

MY BOYS

I LOVE YOU!!

2007-02-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I got this e-mail from a friend of mine who is also adopting from China. This video is amazing! You HAVE to watch this!!!

Here is a 6 minute video of fantastic Oriental precision of Chinese dancers who dance as one, and what is even more fantastic is they are all deaf.

This footage was shot at the spring festival in Beijing last year. Their coaches are standing on the sides of the stage signaling.They're called "The China Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe". The dancer in the front is 29 year old Tai Lihua and is a graduate at Hubei Art Institute. Wait until you see this!!! Incredible!

Amazing Chinese Dancers

To Move Or Not To Move

2007-02-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

For the past few months John and I have been going back and forth on remodeling our home. We've had contractors out and have designers out and architects draw up plans. We were ready to pull the trigger and then a house in our neigborhood went for sale. We are SO interested in this house - but, we are so torn because we love, love LOVE our street we live on. We have amazing neighbors and friends right here on our block. But, John and I have always said we want to have the house that our boys and their friends want to be at - the fun house - if you will - so we can keep tabs on them.:) We would love a pool and a bigger yard - and a bigger house - this house that went for sale has all of those things. If we bought this house we would increase our house payment and utilities - which is never a fun thought, but, if it's the house we would stay in forever maybe it would be worth it?? We are so torn right now. We are going to go look at it tonight and see if we have any feelings one way or the other. We're just not sure what to do...

OK Go - Here It Goes Again...Love this!

2007-02-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Weekend!

So Long Old Lady Hair - Hello Rod Stewart

2007-02-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well, now that the curls are gone - here is what I look like (above) - I am a little less wrinkly and tan. But, the hairstyle is pretty much the same - as well as the flat chest. (oh, my nose is a little smaller.) This one's for you babe:
"If you think I'm sexy and you want my body, come on sugar let me know..."
I am sure I will have a perpetual bad hair day until my hair grows out...I must learn to live with it. Does anyone know if there is a Rod Stewart Hair support group anywhere?? This is so depressing...sigh.

Sunny St. George

2007-02-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

John and I are in sunny St.George, Utah - a little time away without the boys - a little time together and a little time to myself...John is working right now and I have had 3 hours completely to myself. It is a little piece of heaven! I slept in, ate b-fast, went shopping and now I'm blogging. How much better could it get? I bought A 2 adorable outfits at TJ Maxx (one on my fav. stores - the one down here is HUGE...they must have just got shipments in because I spent a fortune!), I bought myself a new purse (of course) and E a new comforter set for his room when we move him downstairs. I am feeling so refreshed! :) Today it is almost 70 degrees here...ahhhh...I'm going back to knit and sleep...YAY!

Words of Wisdom

2007-02-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights" (I'd add a fourth: how he/she handles "the wait"...me? not so good right now)

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

My Old Lady Hair...

2007-02-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have a serious case of old lady hair going on right now...a few months ago I cut my hair short...way short...it was a little spiky, a little messy, and I personally think terribly cute. I have recently decided to now grow my hair out. The story behind that decision is $500. Think I am lying? Nope...my mother told me she would pay me $500 to grow my hair out. I was at first a little offended - was my hair so bad someone would pay me to grow it out??? But then I thought - hey for five hundred bucks?? Why not grow it out?? So it has been over 3 months since my last trim - I was looking like a had a bit of a mullet going on, so I went today to get a trim...I came out looking like an old lady who just went to the local beauty school and had my hair set - the only thing missing is the grayish blue hair and wrinkles. I am all curled and set...geez where's my walker? I feel like playing bingo...

Ebony

2007-01-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

Watch these videos of Jen, her hubby and new baby girl Ebony (love that name!). They left 4 weeks ago to China to bring their baby girl home. How sweet is she?? My heart is melting...Our day WILL come!! (For now I am living through all the others who have brought their little ones home!)

Teaching Gratitude

2007-01-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

We had a heck of a time this weekend with our boys and one thing is ringing loud and clear in my head right now is: My boys are spoiled!!! They have no concept of $$ or time or patience. Don't get me wrong - I adore them - they - along with John are my whole life and I wouldn't trade it for anything - but, I would change the fact that they have no idea how to be grateful. I doesn't matter where we are - they want something. Every isle at the grocery store they pick something up and insist that they have to have it. When we say no - the fits begin. If we take them to dinner - it is not what they want. If we take them to a game they whine for treats the whole time - never mind the $200 we spent just to get in! sheesh! I found a toy that E insisted he wanted for Christmas... It couldn't be found in the store by the time I went shopping for it - so I bought it on e-bay and spent 3x what it was worth...I found it yesterday BROKEN - unfix able - beyond repair!!! AHHHHH!!!! When he realized it was broken all he said is - "you can buy a new one." Are you kidding me???? When I ask my boys to help clean up or do their chores it is constant whining and fighting. Then I begin yelling and grounding. It is all so wonderful...good times. Any advice here would be great...how do I teach my boys gratitude and hard work??? I truly feel like I am ruining them. If I never teach them these things - what kind of men will they become? What kind of husbands and fathers? Today that is weighing on my mind...how do we fix this?

"The Office"

2007-01-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

I CANNOT believe The Office did not win best commedy at the Golden Globes!!!

Ugly Betty Won??? COME ON!?!?!?
(Actually I've never watch Ugly Betty - is it funny??)

Pictures and a Cleotis Update

2007-01-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is the gift from my July Fireflies Secret Pal...who is completely WONDERFUL! The theme was bed time - I can't wait to put A in those soft comfy jammers and read her that sweet book!!

Yes, I am terribly spoiled! These gifts are from my Cyber Shower Diva...Dannye...the ornament is hand painted. On the back it says "celebrate adoption" - it is A's first ornament. And that pink stocking and hat...need I say more???
These are my 3 boys on Christmas Eve after getting into their new jammers. They always get so excited to open that one gift on Christmas Eve...ever to be disappointed that it is jammers again...when will they catch on??
This guy melts my heart...sigh.
This is Lola. She is now a whopping 2 lbs. 2 oz. - notice the pink bow in her hair...I am practicing for when A gets here.
This was the latest prank on Cleotis as we saw him Christmas Eve on returning home. He is wearing a wig, a nightgown and a cape...quite dashing. We couldn't stop laughing. When we pulled into the driveway it took us a minute to figure what it was...this WAS funny, but I was terribly disappointed that someone had not taken care of this problem. Geez what's it going to take??
And this, my friends, is what John looks like it Cleotis's garb. He decided to dress up in it before taking it back to its rightful owner - like the brown socks and tennis shoes??

Yesterday I bought this excercize gadget...I saw it on an infomercial this weekend...I am a dancer at heart so I hope it will work and I will stick with it. I also am planning on using my gym membership (finally) a couple of days a week as well.

A few of you have asked what our company is - here is the link.

**I am a new blogger woman! I can now do links and I am getting my favorite blog lists together...I feel rejuvenated. My little bro. gave me some lessons on blog and I can now be blogger savvy...thankyou...*curtsie* **

Updating...

2007-01-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I have been a blogger loser and and e-mail loser as most of you know. I have taken these past few weeks to regroup from Christmas, get my home organized and do year-end and taxes at Stone Mountain. It has been nothing less than thrilling...woohoo.

1. Christmas was fabulous...I was scrambling until the last minute - as usual, but it all came together in the end. It is always a great reward to see the smiles on my boys faces and to spend time with family. The excitement and smiles lasted until the last present was opened and they realized there was no more...spoiled??? I think so. (I really do love them though)

2. I am no longer a basket-case about our adoption. I had a few melt-downs during the holidays - but, I realized there is nothing that I can do but pray and have faith. I know it will all be OK - we are going to bring our daughter home. I need to learn something here - I think it is patience and faith...two apparently very hard things for me.

3. O is ready to be potty-trained...has gone sporadically on the potty the last couple of weeks. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this time it actually lasts.

4. Stone Mountain (my and John's company) hit the $1,000,000 sale mark this last year. It is a huge increase from last year.

5. My dryer bit the dust the day after Christmas - I was THRILLED! I have been waiting and waiting for it to break...and finally! So, last week our new WASHER & DRYER were delivered!! John's parents had given us their old washer and dryer after we were married - we have been married for almost 11 years now - they were old when we got them. They were at least 18 years old - geez. It's about time! We got a Whirl Pool front loading washer and dryer. I am completely caught up on my laundry now - which - for those who know me - is a miracle! YAY! YAY! YAY!

6. We took a trip to St. George the day after Christmas and we had a blast! The weather was wonderful - in the 50's and 60's - as compared to the 20's and 30's here in Salt Lake.

7. I am ready for Spring...how long til warm weather?? ugh...I hate January and February. Maybe if we moved somewhere warm?? (yeah, like that would ever happen).

8. I got the MOST fabulous gifts from my Fireflies Secret Pal (pictures posted later) - the theme was bed-time...oh my goodness - you should feel the jammies and sheep blanket...oooo sooo soft!!! And the book, and the lotion...lavendar. I am so spoiled! Love You Secret Pal!!

9. Talk about being spoiled! Dannye (my cybershower diva) sent A the most adorable hand painted ornament for our Christmas tree as well as a PINK Stocking and PINK Santa hat!!! It was a surprise I needed!!! Thanks Dannye!!!! (pics to come!)

10. My sister-in-law Liz made A the most beautiful quilt - It is amazing!!!! I will post a picture of it as well. I am NOT exaggerating when I say AMAZING!!!! I am putting it away for A's "big" bed to use as the theme for her room.

11. Right after the discover of our broken dryer I ran downstairs to pull my boys from the video games when I discovered a huge water bubble in the ceiling of our basement...that was not fun. After poking and prodding and cutting a hule in the ceiling we discovered where the leak was coming from - and soon discovered we didn't need to cut a hole. great...

I am now leaving to catch up on my e-mails...and your blogs - which I have sorely missed!

Longing

2006-12-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is this time of year, maybe it is because I cannot seem to get into the Christmas Spirit...whatever it is, I am having a hard time. I feel like we are never going to bring our baby girl home, like it is never going to be time. I know it has only been four months since our papers have been turned in...I know that even if in the day that referrals came fast we still wouldn't have her home...I know these things. I know that there are families who have been waiting much longer than I have - my heart hurts for you too...but, I am selfish right now. I can only seem to think about myself and my daughter and her family here waiting for her - aching for her. Where is she? Who is holding her? Is she warm? Is her tummy full? Does she feel happy or content? When she cries does someone come to her and comfort her? Does she know that someone loves her? Does she feel wanted? How much longer until I can give her all of these things? Will the time ever come that I can hold her and nuzzle her and kiss her fingers and toes and neck? I long to feel her soft baby skin and hold her tiny fingers in my hand. I long to have her brothers try to make her laugh, and her dad to talk in his adorable baby voice to her. I have doubts and I hate myself for that. I hate that I second guess everything - every thought that I have had, every feeling that has entered my heart. I am a mom and I know my daughter is waiting for me...does she know how much I am longing for her? To call her my own? We talk about A like she is already here. She is so real to my boys and to John and me. People who don't know us well ask..."are you expecting? you don't look pregnant?" and then my answer , and then their question..."When?". I hate that question - but it is something that is constantly on my mind. When? When will this longing end?

I am coming for you baby...but, I'm not sure when.

Lola

2006-12-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

This is Lola - our Yorkie-Poo puppy -

and she is really this cute.

I love her.

John is trying to,

and E. says he knows how much he would like to sell her for

- as if she were his to sell...geez.

She is sassy and sweet, a little bit busy, but full of sweet loves.

**On a funny note - and totally off the topic of Lola:**

I did some last minute shopping for my mother today

at Target (which you know I LOVE - really) - when

I got home I realized I had shopped with

my zipper completely down - lovely.

I Rest My Case...

2006-12-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

Do you see what I mean???

I rest my case...
Here is the picture of Cleotis Clause, no pics of the reindeer though...he is burried in a foot of snow - poor thing. I was going to take a picture of him (Cleotis) in all of his brilliance at night, but it is way too cold to go out there - so, here he is in the sunlight...yay...feel the joy. I am off to look at all of the other Christmas decorations of mine that I hate...blah.

On a happier note I am off to bed (it is 8:30) call me wierd, but John is gone with E and G to the Bingham High School basketball game - the house is quiet and I am craving sleep.

*Tomorrow my goal is to blog something positive - send me positive vibes*

4 Months Down & Some Randomness

2006-12-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

!!!4 Months!!!

Today marks our 4 Month LID Anniversary! YAY! Last year at this time I had completely given up on the thought of ever being able to adopt our daughter. It was a horrible time for me. I read through my archives around this time last year and I cannot help but be so grateful for where I am today. Last year - I didn't think I would ever have a LID...and today I am celebrating another month down in our wait. I am so grateful!
I am having some random thoughts here and thought I would jot them down here to kill some time.
1. I am on the prowl for jeans...I can't find any that I LOVE. Is it my age? Is is my hips and butt?? I am not sure, but I cannot find ANY that I LOVE. It is terribly irritating. Really, it is. So, tell me - what are your favorite jeans?? I need some ideas here...
2. John broke out our Cleotis Clause and our Redneck Reindeer again this year. They are nicknamed such because there is no better way to describe them (maybe white trash Christmas decorations would be fitting - but a little offensive...sorry). I will post some photos tonight when they are lit up at their brilliance for the world to see. This is one of our very few battles in our marriage. I HATE them - HATE them I tell you!!! And John, loves them (mainly because I hate them so much - he loves to torture me at times)...his dear parents gave them to us - out of the goodness of their hearts - but oh my! They are horrid...sigh. Every year I bribe the neighbor kids and my best friend Sue to "take care of them" - but, every year they survive. Cleotis had ended up in a tree in our front yard, down the street on a neighbor's front door, and down the block on the street corner - each time lit up in its brilliance - but no one has the guts to down him. One of our reindeer is now beheaded...the first night out, it didn't survive. But, I still have the other one to contend with...anyone out there willing to take Cleotis and his lone Reindeer for a ride??? I can't do it...it wouldn't be right...but if I paid someone??
3. I love Target...it is my favorite store. Next in line is Costco. Then Barnes and Nobel - I can't find a clothing store I love - thus the jeans issue (refer to #1).
4. I hate my Christmas decorations. I think this highly contributes to the fact that I feel Bah Humbug-ish every year. That, and I always wait to the last minute to do my shopping and it breaks our bank account and I have to fight the crowds. I know none of these reasons are significant to the True Meaning of Christmas - but, it is easy to forget in the chaos of December. I need to fix these things...
5. I am becoming seriously obsessed with buying new purses and bags. Why is this?? My closet is overflowing with new bags - most of which John thinks are horribly tacky - which they're not...just so you know.
6. I am ecstatic that tonight's episode of The Office is an hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am DVR-ing it - so I can fast forward through the commercials - so smart.
7. Tonight is the annual book exchange Christmas Party for one of the book groups I belong to. This one I refer to as my Draper book group...it is the city most of the girls are from here in the valley. It is filled with terribly rich people and people who want to be terribly rich. I am neither of those - just so you know - and I don't live in Draper either. I live on the West side - I will explain it's significance another time for those of you who are not from Utah or are not aware of the East-side / West-side stigma. Anyhoo...I have the privilege to night to be graced with the presence of those in this book group...yay. Feel the excitement. I am going for the yummy food and to get a new book. And, because my BF Sue is going with me! (Did I just write BF??? Geez how old am I??)
That's all for now my bloggy friends!!! I am off to visit your blog sites now! YAY! YAY! YAY!

I'M DONE!!!!!

2006-12-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

That's it...I can't do it anymore! It is too emotionally exhausting. I cannot go to the Rumor Queen's site. I don't know why I do it to myself and I have to stop. Every thime I go there my heart feels heavier - not just for me, but for my daughter, for all of my bloggy friends out there, and my other adoptive parent friends. I know she just states the "facts" as she knows them and I know she does it for the benefit for all who is wondering...But, I cannot do it. I am putting my foot down on myself and forbidding me to visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It cannot be that the sky is falling every single day. It cannot be that the 100's of thousands of children in China will have to keep waiting longer and longer. I refuse to believe it -and I REFUSE to put myself through the heartache and misery of questioning every single rumor out there - Who's right? Who's wrong? I will depend solely on my agency for information and visit the CCAA website occasionally to look for changes. I hereby swear *holding up my right hand* to keep this promise to myself (and to my hubby) to keep myself sane - and to keep my attitude positive and to be the optimistic person I was born to be.

The Greatest Street in the World...

2006-12-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

Last week we had our annual "Sharolyn Lane Christmas Lighting Party." Everyone got their Christmas lights up - waited to turn them on until party night. Then we all gathered in the middle of the street, lit a bon fire (which apparently is illegal - but, hey, we live on the edge here!), roasted marshmallows, drank Hot Chocolate and ate donuts. A couple of our neighbors tried to get some carols going - which, for those of us who cannot sing, didn't go over too well. O happened to be on one of his "off-barfing" days so he could join the festivities for just a bit. Our house is by no means our dream house - but, we cannot leave our amazing street - the people here are wonderful. Between the 10 house on our street there are 26 kids between the ages of 12 and 2...how cool is that?? In years past we have thought about moving - but, what are the chances of moving into a neighborhood we love surrounded by people we love? Not likely to happen again - so we will stay - most likely forever - until we decide to retire - and then move somewhere warm and beachy...
**Happy day today - no barfing, no poopilepsy!!**
Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy

Barf-o-rama & Poop-elepsy Hell...

2006-12-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

We are officially on day 11 of the stomach flu - that's right - DAY 11 - with O. It is every-other day barfing and the other days poop-elepsy (i.e. diarrhea). It is clockwork - first thing in the morning - right around 6:00 - O wakes up from a dead sleep and barfs or poops - it is lovely, LOVELY I TELL YOU!!! There is not a place on my floor that has not been polluted by this 2-year-old. I have called the doctor incessantly - it is a flu bug...Can last up to 2 weeks, vomiting is sporadic, diarrhea, fevers...We would be happy to see him, but there isn't anything we can give him. Keep him hydrated...blah, blah, blah...This is why I pay our pediatrician the big bucks??? (OK - so it is only a $25 co-pay, but still.) There are a few things I need right now: A maid, a vactation (to someplace warm), and for O to STOP BARFING!! (Also, I wouldn't mind if the CCAA could pick up the @#$%$#*%@ pace!! Give me a break! Sept. 8th??? Seriously???) **I appologize for the cussing...it has just been one of those - (11) days - but who's counting?**

Wider turns please...

2006-11-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to venture out with my boys to run some errands - (we have been battling the stomach flu at our house...I've see WAY to much barf these last 5 days) - it seemed everyone was on the mend. We ran into the grocery store - by the time I had loaded up the kiddos and unloaded the groceries into my SUV I realized I had forgotten J's prescription - there was NO way I was going back in with my crew...Luckily this grocery store has a drive-up pharmacy. I hauled it on over to the line & picked it up - on my way out I hit the curb (which is not unusual for me - my car is always out of alignment). From the very back seat I hear G. say, "Geez woman - you gotta take those turns wider!" This is something my husband would say to me...G. is most certainly his dad's son...

A Letter

2006-11-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

I got this e-mail from my little bro...and it touched me so deeply. Why can others express themselves so beautifully, and I struggle so much? Thanks for sending this to me. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be an amazing dad someday. I love you B.

I have read 4 books written by Tim O'Brien, I was browsing his website today and ran across this letter he wrote to his son. I thought out of all the members of the family that you would appreciate the honesty and love that it portrays. If I had any doubts about wanting to be a father, reading this today settled it, I want to be a Dad. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did- --B

Dear Timmy, A little more than a year ago, on June 20, 2003, you dropped into the world, my son, my first and only child – a surprise, a gift, a miracle, an eater of electrical cords, a fertilizer factory, a joy, a pain in the rear, a thrill in the heart, all the platitudes with a big red cherry on top. Here's the truth: Boy, oh boy, do I love you. And, boy, do I wish I could spend the next 50 years with my lips to your cheek, my eyes warming in yours. But as you wobble into your sixteenth month, it occurs to me that you may never really know your dad. The actuarial stuff looks grim. Even now, I'm what they call an "older father", and in 10 years, should I have the good luck to turn 68, I'll almost certainly have trouble keeping up with you. Basketball will be a problem. And 20 years from now…well, it's sad, isn't it? Sadder yet, that's the very best scenario. Life is fragile. Hearts go still. So now, just in case, I want to tell you about your father, the man you think I am. And by that I mean not just the graying old coot you may vaguely remember, but the guy who shares your name and your blood and half your DNA. Above all, I am this: I am in love with you. Pinwheeling, bedazzled, aching love. If you know nothing else, know that you were adored by your dad. In many ways, a man is what he yearns for, and while it may never happen, I yearn to walk a golf course with at your side. I yearn for a golden afternoon in late August when you will sink a tough 12-footer to beat me by a stroke or two. I want to shake your hand. I want to say, "Nine more holes?" I yearn to scatter good books around the house – in the bathroms, on the kitchen counter, on the floor beside your bed – and I hope I'm there to watch you pick one up and turn that first precious page. I yearn to see the rapture on your face. (Right now, you eat books.) I yearn to learn from you. I want to be your teacher, yes, but I also want to be your student. I yearn to be taught, again and again, what I've already started to know: that a grown man can find pleasure in the sound of a happy squeal, a gap toothed grin, in the miraculous utterance of the word "Daddy". I yearn to watch you perform acts of kindness and generosity. I yearn to witness your first act of moral courage. I yearn to hear you mutter, however awkwardly, "Yeah, yeah, I love you, too," and I yearn to believe you will mean it. It's hard to imagine as I watch you now, so lighthearted and purely good, so ignorant of gravestones, but, Timmy, you're in for a world of hurt and heartache and sin and doubt and frustration and despair. You will do fine things, I know, but you will also do bad things, because you are wholly human, and I wish I could be on hand to offer forgiveness. More than that, I long for the day when you might also forgive me. I waited too long Timmy. Until the late afternoon of June 20, 2003, I had defined myself, for better or worse, by the novels and stories I had written. I had sought myself in sentences. I had loved myself only insofar as I loved a chapter or a scene or a scrap of dialogue. This is not to demean my life or my writing. I do hope you will someday read the books and stories; I hope you will find my ghost in those pages, my best self, the man I wish to be for you. Call it pride, call it love, but I even dare to hope that you will commit a line or two to memory, for in the dream-space behind those vowels and consonants is the sound of your father's voice, the kid I once was, the man I am now, the old man I will soon become. That said, I would trade every syllable of my life's work for an extra 5 or 10 years with you, whatever the going rate might be. A father's chief duty is not to instruct or to discipline. A father's chief duty is to be present. And I yearn to be with you forever, always present, even knowing it cannot and will not happen. There have been advantages, of course, to becoming a father at my age. I doubt that at 28 or even 38 I would have been so willing – so eager – to walk away from my work to warm your bottle. I doubt I would have fully appreciated, as I do now, the way you toddled over to me this morning and laughed and gave me a first unsolicited hug. (You knew I was waiting, didn't you?) I doubt I would have so easily tolerated the din at bedtime, or your stubborn recklessness, or your determination to electrocute yourself, or the mouthfuls of dirt you take from the potted plants in the foyer, or how, just a moment ago, you hit the delete key as I approached the end of this letter. You're on my lap now, my spectacular Timmy. I'm using your fingers to type these words. I love you. Dad

3 MONTHS and Good Friends

2006-11-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Today marks our official 3 month anniversary of our CCAA LID. I am terribly excited!! I am not feeling so depressed anymore about this. I am not sure exactly what happened to snap me out of it. J helped me put things into perspective. Susie helped as well (big hugs to you girl!!). I am surrounded by such wonderful people - how did I get so lucky? I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. And I have been given the blessing of amazing friends. And, although I am fairly new to the adoption world and the world of blog - I have found such comfort in the online adoption community. There are blogs I read everyday that boost me up and make me laugh, occasionally they make me tear up (ok - completely bawl!)...There are so many of you who are waiting just like me who offer support and love. Most of you live hundreds of miles from me. And, if it weren't for the internet that can connect people across the miles, and this blasted wait...J and I would be doing this alone. I am excited that along this way of this wait I can get to know you all better and forge friendships that may last a lifetime! Here's to a new outlook on this wait.

Time is Standing Still

2006-11-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

We are only about three months into the wait and I am already feeling discouraged. This is not good...Maybe it is just a phase that will pass, but right now it feel like time is standing still. Will it ever be our turn?? I am worried, some days I can't even turn on the news. I wondering what little thing is going to turn off China Adoption. I HATE this! I HATE feeling this way. I wish I were like J and could just keep living, thinking about the adoption occasionally, just knowing that it will happen. This is not like me. I don't worry constantly about things, I don't get stressed out. I am laid back, I take things in stride - I AM AN OPTIMIST...but why not now? Why not during this wait?? I wander the internet looking at the rumor queens site - which is never good news...why I do this to myself is beyond me. I wonder what everyone else's agency is telling them - as if what my agency has told me isn't real. I question everything -the feelings I have had, the impressions I have felt, the feelings in my heart, soul and mind...were they real? Am I kidding myself...will we ever bring our sweet A home?? Tonight my home is quiet. J is to the Jazz game, my three boys are asleep, my home is clean and peaceful - but, my heart hurts. I need to go to sleep - maybe I will be blessed with a dream of my little girl.

The Newest Member of the Family

2006-10-27T15:03:00.000-06:00

Meet Lola or Lucy...We can't decide. She is the newest member of our family. She is a 3 week old Yorkie-Poo puppy. She is of course still with her mom...We won't be able to take her home until she is at least 6 weeks old. I absolutely fell in love with her. O and I went over to see her again today...I am certain we are wearing out our welcome at that house. But, I had to take some pictures so I could show her to everyone. J is of course completely against having another animal in our home...Our cat Phoebe is enough for him. But, he has realized that this is a battle he cannot win. I believe in the depths of his heart he really is excited...He is even helping pick out her name. Our boys are truly excited...Check out O's cheesy smile...

October Cyber Shower Gift

2006-10-27T08:42:00.000-06:00

This month's cybershower was my first and I was so spoiled by the Lee Family! Thankyou SO much if you see this post! The little cheerio phone is adorable! The antenna is a cheerio! It is hilarious. The spoons change color if the food is too hot - cool! The bibs are adorable and the fresh food feeder is wonderful! I cannot wait to have A use this gift!

October July DTC Fireflies Secret Pal Gift

2006-10-27T08:35:00.000-06:00

I have the most wonderful secret pal! If you could only feel how soft this little robe is! A will be SO comfy after her baths in this! I can't wait to be able to use this stuff! Thank you secret pal if you see this post! You are fabulous!

I am not an Esthetician

2006-10-24T10:43:00.000-06:00

Hi, my name is Tawni and I am not an Esthetician. Something I apparently did not believe until this weekend. Looking in the mirror this morning I realize how much I miss my left eyebrow. Well, not the whole thing - I still have a little over 1/2 of it left on my face...My right eyebrow on the other hand, looks rather lovely - as does my upper lip - soft and smooth. Let me back up. Saturday morning I was desperate for a wax. My eyebrows needed shaping and my upper lip was getting a little fuzzy (peach-fuzzy - for those of you with weak stomachs...I don't want to give you the idea that I am some sort of grizzly beast) . I decided instead of calling my girlfriend Amy (who is in fact an Esthetician - a very talented one at that) - I decided to wax myself. Life Lesson Learned. I got through my upper lip and right eyebrow very well. Then to the left. I put the wax on, rubbed the strip down, and RRRIIIIPPPEEDDD it off. I didn't look immediately in the mirror - I looked down at the strip...I have to look to see what came off my face. My first thought was..."Am I that hairy??" Well, no I am not...my heart sunk...I looked in the mirror and realized that the last 1/3 of my eyebrow was stuck to the waxing strip in my hand. Lovely. Instead of crying, J and I got a good laugh out of it. I pulled out my brow pencil and began coloring in a brow. I would post a picture here on my blog, but I am too embarrassed. Just enjoy the visuals your mind creates.

The Dress

2006-10-19T12:56:00.000-06:00

I told myself I wouldn't buy A any clothes unless I absolutely and totally fell head over heals in love with the outfit...besides I am not even sure what size to buy. Well, Tuesday evening I went to dinner with my dear friend Susie who is also adopting her daughter from China. After a savory meal at Olive Garden (mmmmm) we headed over to the mall and straight into Gymboree. We browsed for a while and then we both set eyes on the dress:

I had to get it all: the dress, the little shirt, the delicate sweater, the little tights, the headband, the shoes...oh my goodness...it is so beautiful. The pictures just don't do it justice. Here are a couple of more views:

the emboidered roses...sigh

The shoes...so sweet.

Susie and I decided once our girls are home we would get their pictures taken together in their matching outfits...so fun!

E's Homework

2006-10-17T13:20:00.000-06:00

Since my last post was a bit on the depressed side - I thought I would liven things up by writing about E's homework last night. For those of you who don't know my E - he is adorable, sweet, and 8. He hates homework, anything nutritious, chores, and brushing his teeth. Anyway, last night after at least 30 minutes of begging/yelling he finally sat down to do his homework. Rhyming. The teacher wrote thinks like "at" , "et" etc. He had to come up with 6 words that rhymed - fairly simple - more like a 1st grade homework assignment than a 3rd grade - I am thinking this will be so easy for E. Now, I have to be right there when he does his homework - he will write anything just to be done. It's a pain (but, apparently my mother told me I was this way at his age - so I guess it's my fault). I walked away for just a couple of minutes - E. Walked up to me, handed me his homework and said "done." So, being the concerned mother I am looked over things. It all started so well - then we got to "ist". list, mist, pist...OK, I know exactly that E meant "pissed". So, I called him over and asked him if he thought "pist" was a good word to use...well, of course it was, "pissed" is a word. So I calmly explain to him that it probably isn't an appropriate word to use on his homework and it isn't even spelled correctly. Needless to say when I made him re-do the "ist" rhyming words E was pist...I mean, pissed.

Darling A

2006-10-17T11:25:00.000-06:00

A. has been on my mind a lot these past few days. I know this may sound strange - but I feel a void in my heart - like she is far away. I know what you are thinking - "She's in China...She IS far away." But, I have always felt a little piece of her near me. But, now - it is as if she has let go. What does this mean? I'm not sure. My gut feeling? Her little life on earth has started - she had to let go to start living here and now. Has her birthmother become pregnant with her? Has she been born recently? I'm not sure...Maybe it is nothing and these feelings are just made up in the heart of me - her mother who aches for her. Time is moving so slow - and truth be told - we've just started waiting. Sunday was our 2 month anniversary of our LID. 2 Months - out of how many? I know that everything happens for a reason and that we cannot dictate when things happen, I know this is where my faith has to come in. There is a purpose and a plan for our life - for A's life. I just wish she'd hurry up and get here.

A Simple Wish

2006-10-09T09:57:00.000-06:00

I wish that I could go to the bathroom alone - I have a 2-year-old who is glued to me. I love him, I do, with all of my heart. I love that he is so attached to me. But, honestly. He has separation anxiety the minute he can't see me - including when I enter the bathroom. Motherhood and all of its perks...sigh.

**Updates on our fabulous trip to Disneyland are forthcoming**

We're Off...

2006-09-26T19:38:00.000-06:00

...to Disneyland!!! E is 8 and we are finally taking him (and of course G & O too!). I am SO excited I can't stand it! We haven't told the boys yet - we will on our way to the airport!!!! WOOHOO!!!

Some (not so) Interesting Facts About Me

2006-09-19T11:51:00.000-06:00

Here are 100 facts about me:

1. I am a natural red-head with very few freckles
2. I dye my eyebrows
3. I have a million hobbies and have never finished one project
4. I am obsessed with China
5. I am married to the greatest man in all of the world and have been for over 10 years
6. I was excited to turn 30
7. I wish I would have served an LDS mission
8. I have an AS degree - but enough college credit hours to have a PhD
9. I am an aspiring world traveler
10. I have never broken any bones (knock on wood)
11. I wax my upper lip
12. I get pimples like a 16 year old
13. I have a little crush on Rob Thomas and "Jim" on The Office
14. I began as a modern dance major at the University of Utah and still think I can lift my leg above my head, but am too afraid to try
15. I feel a connection to every red-head in the world - J thinks I am crazy
16. My best friend Sue and Little Bro. Brady are perhaps the funniest people in the world
17. I idolize my dad
18. I am truly a nice person
19. I am a Pisces - and it doesn't mean much to me
20. I love to Knit
21. I wear the same pair of sweat pants I wore in high school - they have a hole in the butt and on the knee that my kids love to poke their fingers through (the hole on the knee!) I wear them inside out - because my name is printed down the side - I am a little embarrassed about that - but not the holes???
22. I have a gym membership and I have never been
23. My daughter is in China - and all I can do is wait
24. I cannot drive a stick shift
25. I love to watch the same movies over and over again - just like my mom
26. I occasionally snort when I laugh
27. I have to cross my legs when I sneeze or I will pee my pants - just a little - gross, though
28. I love my boys morning breath (excluding J's)
29. I drive my Mother-in-law crazy
30. I procrastinate everything - except our adoption paperwork.
31. I took catsor oil to start my labor with E & O - worked both times
32. My kids make me laugh and yell (not at the same time)
33. My high school boyfriend was a cheerleader - um - "yell leader"
34. I love it that my husband is a pretty-boy (i.e. - he irons his jeans and the like)
35. My favorite move is Pride and Prejudice (A&E)
36. My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice
37. I have never tasted alcohol
38. I love the smell of Coffee
39. Vanilla Coke is my favorite drink
40. I often make myself laugh - I don't think this means I am funny though
41. I love to take naps
42. I need lots of sleep
43. I dealt with postpartum depression after I gave birth to G - I am NOT a fan of Tom Cruise anymore!
44. I was the captain of my 9th grade basketball team - was I even good??
45. My parents don't know how I really met my husband
46. I like Monday Night Football - although I don't like football - what sense does that make?
47. Fall is my favorite season
48. I am a spineless wimp
49. I buy books - lots of books
50. I am half done with my list
51. I am an optimist
52. I cry easily
53. I feel embarrassed for other people
54. I like President Bush
55. I am a Mormon (aka: The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)
56. My favorite TV shows are: The Office and 24
57. I wish I had a dog
58. My Cat Phoebe is overweight and moody - and I love her
59. I hate to bake
60. I hate laundry
61. I hate dishes
62. I like a clean house and fresh baked cookies and bread (imagine that!)
63. I am a horrible liar
64. I like watching Spongebob Squarepants with my kids
65. I think Halloween is stupid
66. I love Photography
67. I love to shop for shoes, purses, and earrings
68. John buys most of my clothes - I prefer it that way - I get WAY too frustrated when I clothes shop for myself
69. I still love Erasure
70. I hate Rap...yuck
71. Once an 80 or so year old woman in my neighborhood told me I reminded her of Clay Aiken - was that a compliment? (Her exact sentence was: "Whenever I see you I think 'Clay Aiken'!) ouch
72. I work 2 days a week - actually it is more like 1 1/2 days - and being at work is like having a day off
73. I worry everyday about E's reading
74. I love the street I live on (I don't live on the street though - I do live in a house - I just like the street is sits on)
75. Whenever I go into a public restroom I always look to see what kind of valve is on the toilet - hazard of the profession I guess. I get excited when I see the word Sloan on it - it is a line we Rep here at work
76. I work for my dad and have since I was 12 - I still know nothing about plumbing
77. I wear fake toenails
78. I am not a great driver
79. I have to plug my nose when I swim
80. I have to sleep with my ear covered
81. I got homesick on my honeymoon
82. I worry about my kids constantly
83. I have never been skiing - and I live in the state where our motto is The Greatest Snow On Earth and the 2002 Winter Olympics were held here
84. I have been to London and Japan (and Korea - if you count the layover there - never left the airport)
85. I am going to China in a little over a year (Hopefully less - yah right)
86. I have met good friends on the internet
87. I love to shop online
88. I have bid too much for something on eBay, just so I could win it and then had buyers remorse soon after
89. I can be teased and not get angry - years of torment in school because of my haircolor taught me how to laugh at myself
90. I have been in 3 wrecks all of which I hit a non-moving object - a light post, a garbage can and most recently a parked car
91. I am fascinated by middle eastern culture - but never want to go there (the middle east)
92. My feet grew a size and a half since I gave birth to my boys
93. I have grow 2 inches since I became an adult
94. My storage room is so messy it is hard to walk inside
95. I sunburn easily, but never tan
96. I think my kids are the most adorable kids who have ever walked the face of this good earth - I have actually had the thought, "It is so unfortunate that none of these kids are as cute as mine." (I thought that during G's preschool graduation this past year)
97. I like to go to bed early
98. I love to go out to eat with J (especially Indian Food...mmmmm)
99. I still feel young and occasionally act terribly immature and embarrass all of my boys
100. I like my hair short

So, now readers - Tag you're it! I want to see 100 facts about you!

A Change of Plans...the Nursery

2006-09-12T10:17:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday A's bedding was delivered...I was SO disappointed (see post below from 8/10). I liked it, but I did not love it. I have been waiting so long to decorate a little girl's nursey I needed to love it. So, today I am shipping it back and I bought her new bedding and I LOVE it!!! J I am sure is going to be completely annoyed - but, because he is a smart man he will not say a word! Here is a picture of her new bedding that I love. (This bedding is from Dwell Baby in "Garden Blossom")

We have our LID!!

2006-09-05T11:35:00.000-06:00

YAY! We have our LID - 8/15/06...for those of you not up on your Chinese adoption ligo - LID stands for Log In Date. That is the date the CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs) has officially said, "OK, your stuff is here - we have put in our system and now...WAIT." So, that is what we are doing - waiting; going on with everyday life passing time until the CCAA says, "You have been matched!" Which at this point right now our Agency is saying 12-14 months.

Laundry

2006-08-17T10:15:00.000-06:00

A confession...I HATE laundry! If I were terribly rich I would send all of our laundry out - yes, even our underwear. Or, I would just buy new clothes everytime we needed something to wear and give the dirty ones to charity (except no dirty underwear to charity - I would just throw those away! ewww). If I had three wishes - one would be to never have to do laundry again - (the first wish would be of course that our daughter A in China was already home with us). But, since we are not rich and I don't have three magical wishes - I have to do laundry (and wait for A). So, today I am proud to announce that I am officially caught up on our laundry after 6 months (or more - no lie) of being tragically behind. Not just with our clothes - NO! I am also caught up on towels and sheets as well. It is a miracle - not kidding here! J is in shock, Phoebe (our cat) is wondering why we redecorated her room (the laundry room is where we keep her "potty",food and H2O) - she no longer has to climb up miles and miles of clothes to find her food (which is a relief because she is terribly fat). Our boys are in awe at all of their "new" clothes in their drawers. Please don't think less of me for hating laundry! The rest of my house is clean (most of the time). So, today I celebrate! I am sitting at my dest with a Vanilla Coke, Cinnamon Bears and a smile - knowing that today I have NO laundry - I have defeated my deamon!

A little On-Line Shopping

2006-08-10T13:50:00.000-06:00

OK - I told myself I wasn't going to buy anything for Avery until I knew our LID...but I couldn't help myself. I can't wait until it ships!!!!!

I got this yesterday...not in love with it - think I will send it back...

DTC

2006-08-03T11:15:00.000-06:00

DTC!!!!! WOOHOOO! That is China adoption lingo for Dossier (our paperwork) To China. Our actual DTC date is July 28, 2006. We should get our LID – Log In Date in about 6 weeks and it should be in mid-August sometime. We are officially waiting. Right now our agency is saying 14 months to referral. So, according to them we should get our referral October 2007 – and then travel to get our sweet daughter Avery in December 2007. It is ages away…sigh. But, do you want to know something…shhhhh…I have to say it quiet – I don’t want to jinx myself…but:

I think it will be sooner than that, my gut is telling me things are going to speed up.

I am still having a hard time believing how fast things went for our paper chase. Heavenly Father truly moved mountains for us. We officially started the paperwork on May 15th. Our paperwork was in China on July 28th. I know some others have done it faster – but considering my “laid-back” personality – it is a miracle it was done in a little less than 6 weeks (the majority of it done in just one week!!!!). Here is the rundown of the major paper getting:
· 6/28 Turned in our Home study to INS – told to expect our I-171H to take 90 days…panicked, called our agency (Carrie) – she said 6-10 weeks.
· 6/29 Left for Spokane
· 7/7 returned home from Spokane to find our I-171H waiting for us (it took only 9 days!!!!!)
· Week of 7/10 Gathered remaining paperwork
· 7/14 (Friday) Took to State Capitol to be authenticated – found out I had to send John’s birth certificate to Washington State to be authenticated.
· 7/14 (still Friday) overnighted J’s birth certificate to Olympia – with the hope of having it finished on Monday 7/17 and off to Washington D.C. overnight. (I had a little melt down - there was no one in the Olympia office…why???? It wasn’t a holiday! And, no one else in the Capitol could give me an explanation.)
· 7/17 called Olympia and talked with Audrey who had little hope that she could complete the authentication that day – she had 2-5 days – I told her the situation and she said she would call me back. I had little hope she really would. (she seemed terribly ornery)
· 7/17 picked up our documents from the Capitol – they were perfect! Overnighted them to Washingotn D.C. to the Assistant Stork.
· 7/17 (still!) at 12:00 pm – Audrey from Olympia called, said she had the birth certificate finished and it was on it’s way – overnight to Washington D.C.!!!!! (Just last week I sent a little card and Target gift certificate to Audrey to tell her thanks – I know she really went out of her way for me – a little weird – I know!)
· 7/18 our documents (both sets) made it to Steve and Laura at The Assistant Stork (the courier service).
· 7/19 they took our documents to the State Department and then dropped them off to the Chinese Consulate. They called me to let me know I had sent too much money to the Chinese Con. – and they don’t issue change. I would probably have to send a new money order. They would let me know.
· 7/20 Laura for the Assistant Stork called and said they would send me an $80 reimbursement check. They just used my money order to pay for my documents and the other set they had to pick up that day (which just happened to be $80 worth – coincidence – I think not!). They overnighted our documents to Adam Wang in Canada to be translated (he is our facilitator).
· 7/21 our documents reached Adam Wang.
· 7/28 our documents arrived in China!!!!!!
· 7/31 got a call from Carrie giving us our group # - which happens to be 130a.
· Thus, the wait began!
I am still dancing!!!!!!!!

INS

2006-06-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

Today was a stop at the INS...not so bad - for those of you who wondered and have never been there. But, of course I am a US citizen so the hassles of a lot of the people in the waiting room I will never have to deal with. I am sure a few of them hate that place. I went in this morning at 9:20 am (actually, a little late - 9:22 am) and sat down for about 30 seconds until they called my name. I went through the door to the window and slid our notarized homestudy to the INS officer. He was a Polynesian man about 50-ish - with an accent that was hard to understand through - especially considering there was a shatter-proof glass window separating us. The communication was a tad difficult. I asked him how long he thought it would take for us to get the paperwork pack from INS - "Oh 3 months at least." My heart sunk - I basically shouted in a high pitched whine - "WHAT?!?!?" He stood there expressionless, while I fought off tears. I left, got in my car and made some phone calls. First I called Carrie to ask her if this info was correct. She wasn't there. Then I called my neighbor Kelly to see how long hers took to get to her. She wasn't home. Then I called Suzanne Stott - the agency director - and she of course was not there. Needless to say I was in a complete panic - as if I could even do anything about it. We're talking about the US INS - you have to jump through fire blazing hoops with man eating piranhas waiting for you before you can even bring AN INFANT or SMALL CHILD home to raise. OK -I know it is for the greater good of the nation - but, honestly, does an INFANT really pose a terrorist threat to the country? Realistically, I know it is more than that - it is the system and apparently it works - I am just feeling a little cranky about the whole thing.

"Sad, saaaad, panda" and other random ramblings

2006-06-27T16:27:00.000-06:00

Today there will be no rhyme or reason for this post - just random ramblings and happenings.

On the adoption front we received the official draft of our homestudy. VERY exciting! I go to INS tomorrow morning at 9:20 am to turn it in for our I-600A. I am really and truly praying that INS gets our finished fast!
We leave Friday morning for Spokavegas. Not terribly excited at all. I know J and the boys are. But, I truly believe there will be a whole lotta nothin' going on there for me. Neither Steve & Amy or Mark & Heidi will be there. Chris & Stanley are dogging out as well. So, while J is golfing (most likely every other day) I will be stuck at Bob & Linda's with the boys with no where to go - because of no vehicle &/or I have NO idea how to get anywhere in that town.
My house was completely clean for 2 of the 3 days of the weekend. As soon as Monday hit my hard work was trampled by 8 feet and 8 hands. I have yet to get it that clean again - in fact while I am sitting here typing at my computer at home - last nights dishes are piled in the sink, yesterday's laundy is piled up on the kitchen counter, and Phoeobe's litter box is screaming to be cleaned out.
The latest batch of referrals are in from China. I have read hundreds of posts on APC and on the Rumor Queen's site. It makes me SO happy and quite a bit jealous - the jealousy has caused me to feel guilty. So, in the mix of these emotions - I have to remind myself to be patient & it will be our turn in the next 12-14 months (please go down! please go down! The wait I mean!).
I heard a funny "line" today at work from my bro. - that I intend to start using: "sad, saaaaaad panda." (hence the picture with this blog) Although I intend not to be sad a lot - my children get sad at least a dozen times a day when I ask them to clean/brush teeth/share/go to bed/etc. - they are the perfect targets for this line.

Approx. 6 Weeks

2006-06-21T19:46:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with Carrie - (our dossier consultant) and she thinks we are about 6 weeks away from being DTC (dossier to China)...I know we have to be cautious - INS may take longer than normal - seeing as it is almost summer - but if all goes well - our dossier should be off to China by the end-ish of July. Really that is about 3-4 months sooner than I thought we could have it done. WOOHOO *dancing*

Homestudy Home Stretch

2006-06-20T19:39:00.000-06:00

Families For Children approves J and T as prospective adoptive parents. They appear to have the physical, financial and emotional means necessary to be able to successfully adopt and parent an additional child. J and T are specifically approved for one female child, ages 0 to 1 2 months, from The People’s Republic of China.

And so our homestudy says! WOOHOO

One more quick meeting with Stephanie and she can finalize our homestudy - thus we are on the homestudy home stretch!

O-isms

2006-06-13T15:58:00.000-06:00

How O says:
( I will add to this list occasionally as he continues to crack us up)

flip flops: fi-fops
dead bird: de-bird
big truck: beetuck
this way: sway
Spaghetti O's: sooup
train: choo chain
The Incredibles: cedbles
Garage: goj
Air Hockey: hockeeee
Shrek: Shek
Sue: Sooouuuu
Christian: Cisan
Phoebe: Feefees
My: Ma (example: ma chair, ma bike, ma scooter - everything is "ma")
You Wanna Piece of Me?: U na peesameee
Go with you: gowyoooo
Potato Bug: tadubug (every bug is a potato bug)
shutup: sup (this is a swear word at our house)
Popcicle: pocipool
Swimming: simmin
Yogurt: whoagurt
No: NO!
Holes (the movie): Watch da hoes

The Home Study

2006-06-05T17:24:00.000-06:00

Stephanie from our adoption agency just left our home 20 minutes ago. A 2-hour, completely enjoyable experience. It was a little wierd to sit and talk about "us" for that long. She asked us some simple questions and also some more in depth questions about our childhoods our parents, how we met, our parenting style...to be completely honest it was fun to think back to my childhood and reminisce a little. I would not change one thing about the way I was raised. My parents did an amazing job raising me and my siblings. I hope I will do just as well with my own kids. I know J feels the exact same way about his parents and childhood as well. So, now the work on our dossier begins...

Fingerprinted

2006-05-30T22:52:00.000-06:00

We were fingerprinted on Friday (May 26th). It was the coolest thing (well, OK, not the coolest thing) - but pretty darn cool none-the-less! J and I met at the INS Application Support Center at 10:00 am - we were out of there by 10:25 am. It went fast and smooth. We were under the impression they would use the black ink and paper, but NO - it was way cooler!! They wet down our fingers with a sterile cloth and water and set our fingers on a little screen. Then the computer digitized our prints on the computer screen. The computer would analyze the print and let us know if the print was good enough. It really was neat...they took a print of each of our hands first and then one finger at a time. Now, as soon as our homestudy is ready we will submit that and our fingerprints with our I-600A. The FBI will then clear us and we will get our I-171H...not sure what all this means, but ultimately it is getting us closer to A and that is all that matters.

We heard from Suzanne Stott today about out background clearances...we passed, neither one of us are criminals or a threat to society - whew! She sent our information over to Stephanie Williams who will be our social worker who will do our home study. She called tonight to set up our first meeting (this will be one of four over the entire process - two before the adoption and two after the adoption is complete). She is coming on Monday (June 5th) at 3:00 pm. I have all of our paperwork ready for the home study (as far as I know). She said it will take her a little bit of time - it will probably end up being about 11 pages. We told E and G tonight that we are going to adopt - you should have seen E's face! Talk about a smile! He told me he wished that it wouldn't take so long. J and I realized that he will be in the 4th grade by the time A comes home and G will be in the 1st grade. Seems like forever away! (It kind of is...)

Calm

2006-05-25T14:45:00.000-06:00

I have nothing momentous to blog about...no milestones reached, no goals met, nothing funny to share. I just feel content, peaceful...like everything is OK. I feel like I am coasting along. My boys are good boys. Yesterday I was standing at my sink doing dishes (which never seem to end) and I looked out into my backyard and watched my three boys play with each other. They didn't fight or yell, they just played. It was the most calming feeling. I can't think of better therapy than watching your children play. Seeing them be happy, be creative, be energetic. They are truly my joy. I closed my eyes for just a minuted to picture A out there with them...it was easy, she just fit. It makes me want to work that much harder to ensure I have an eternal family. I believe yesterday at my sink I had a glimpse of what Heaven will feel like.

We Are "Paper Pregnant"

2006-05-18T12:46:00.000-06:00

Apparently this is a very common term used in the China Adoption community...although a little cheesy - it is true.

Up Late

2006-05-16T23:29:00.000-06:00

So this is what it feels like to stay up late. 11:26 pm and I am not even sleepy. Normally I am in bed by 9:00 (preferrably before) because I adore sleep - and need a lot of it. But tonight because of mere procrastination I am sitting at my computer burning CD's for primary. But I have absolutely enjoyed myself. It is SO quiet! I have IM my little brother as he was printing my CD labels, e-mailed a new found friend, pondered life, appreciated my boys, daydreamed - a little about A and a little about J, and now I am blogging. Maybe I need to do this more often - stay up late I mean. I wonder if I could be as productive this late doing laundry? Besides, there are always naps to make up for the loss of sleep at night. Hmmm...not a bad idea...

Paperchasing for A

2006-05-15T15:12:00.000-06:00

The cold feet have thawed and the paperchase for A has begun. J and I went to the doctor to get our physicals last Wednesday. I sent off our background checks (to make sure we are not criminals) so we can get started on our home study. Today I went to INS to turn in our I-600A - (the application to adopt an orphan from abroad). I set up our fingerprinting date (to check a second time that we are not criminals). We need to get so much paperwork together, it feels a little overwhelming, but exciting as well. We have asked my Mom, Sue, and another friend (a dear friend of J's) to write our reference letters for our home study. We need to get financial statements, employment letters, and so much more together...and then they all need to be notarized and authenticated. I hope to have all of our paperwork together and in China by September (preferably before!). Right now the wait for a referral after our Log-In-Date (when our paperwork is accepted in China) is around 12 months, then another 6-8 weeks after that until we travel. So I figure by late fall to early winter 2007 we will have our daughter in our arms. It seems like forever away...

We have told our families. My family is especially supportive. (To the two of you who read this...YOU ROCK!) John's family - (i.e. his Mom) don't say much. I can tell they are not thrilled at the idea - it bothers me - but not enough to affect me or change my mind. I have a daughter in China...I would walk to the ends of the earth to find her. I would do the same for my boys. In my heart there is no difference. I know that for a lot of people that is hard to comprehend. I know that I will face different perspectives on our decision, but, I can handle it. I love her.

The cure for cold feet? The drama continues...

2006-05-03T08:38:00.000-06:00

Anyone know the cure for cold feet? Just as things were starting to move forward with adoption, J pulls a fast one...cold feet, nerves, frustration. I have made our Dr.'s appointments for our physicals, contacted the agency - they are waiting for our application and fee to get started. (I decided to use Families for Children. J has some stress with Stone Mountain - I just need to slow down a bit...if it supposed to happen it will...I hope his cold feet thaw fast!

Hair Woes...

2006-04-25T14:19:00.000-06:00

You know in the movie "Notting Hill" where they are all sitting around the dinner table trying to make their aruments for the last brownie when what's his name's (Hugh Grant) sister says no one will marry her because she has no boosies and her hair is "feathers"? Well, that's me - no boosies and hair that is feathers...so fine it won't do anything. When it gets long it looks stringy and...well...yuck. I am going in tomorrow to Landis Salon to Shawn Kirk to see if he can fix my hair. I am cutting it shorter...right now it is just below my chin in an A-line...tomorrow it will be short, short, short - (like that girl in "Just like Heaven - see pic. above!)much to J's dismay. He would like me to have long curly hair. But asking me to have hair like that is like asking him to grow hair like John Travolta in "Stayin' Alive" - it isn't physically possible. He says that no woman should have to shave her neck...true? Maybe...but not for me. Keep your fingers crossed!

It's Official

2006-04-24T13:06:00.000-06:00

As of Saturday night our decision to adopt is final...J is ready to start in the next couple of months. I am about 90% sure we will be using Families For Children, but I am still waiting to hear from Children's House International. Karen (Sue's sister) told me I needed to really look into them before I make a final decision. So, here I am. We decided to only tell a select few right now... I am a little worried about telling J's mom. I worry she will not be very supportive - but maybe I am worrying for nothing. I also need to sit down and talk to my dad as soon as he gets back from Europe. I have so much more to write, but my boys are going crazy upstairs...heaven only knows what they have gotten into now...ugh!

Spiritual Answers

2006-04-11T11:12:00.000-06:00

It has been a while. Part of it is because I am busy with my boys, part of it because I felt like I needed to let go of adoption...of A... and this blog was a painful reminder of what may never be. But, my hope has been restored. To no credit to myself J's heart has been softened. All credit goes upstairs. Our differences climaxed at then end of January. A conversation / heated discussion - where J told me he would not pray about it - he did not want it and it would not happen. To me the discussion was completely closed. But, slowly J has brought the discussion again to the table. We decided together that we would pray about our family. What did Heavenly Father want - because really - it is His will. I approached my prayers differently. If adoption was not right - let me let go. If it was - let J know. If we were supposed to get pregnant? Whatever the answer I would accept it - help J accept it too. To be honest, before this I think we were praying against each other - our hearts too hard to hear the answer. Me praying for J to accept and J praying for me to let go. I believe Heavenly Father let us "battle it out" if you will, until we came to our senses - like I said - what is His will for our family?

J has said several times "I know you will let me know what we are supposed to do." In some aspects I think it began as J throwing in the towel and realizing I wouldn't let go. But, to me that is not enough. He HAS to have a confirmation for himself. I think he has. On Tuesday April 4th, J and I went to the temple together. We needed it so bad. After the session we had some time to sit and just be together. We always say a prayer together. We quietly started talking about our life, our business, our family. I knew it was the right time to ask him how he felt about our family...were we complete? He asked me what I thought Heavenly Father wanted. I told him that I could not explain why I couldn't let go of adopting and why it is so strong in my heart and brain if it wasn't right. I then asked him what he thought Heavenly Father wanted - he said He (Heavenly Father) wants what I want. There is our answer. It was quiet, it was peaceful, it was wonderful. For now I am letting it set - letting it find it's way into the center of J's heart.

Baby Steps

2006-01-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Even tiny baby steps are good, and can absolutely be classified as a miracle. John and I sat down on Sunday night and talked about several things in our life. Our budget, our calendar, retirement planning, and most importantly our goals. I haven't brought up adoption to J since our visit to the seminar at WIAA. We haven't talked about it or discussed it once together since. I have on the other hand been praying and fasting that his heart will be changed. Sunday night J brought it up - which in and of itself is a huge step. He has a deep desire to serve missions for the church as soon as possible - we discussed that and he compared his feelings about missions to mine about a daughter. He knows we are to serve missions when we are older and we need to start preparing financially for it now- I agree. He also said that we need to start praying together about our family - whether or not we are to adopt or whether we are to try to get pregnant again - or whether our family is already complete. He feels like we need to have another child in our home within the next 18 months - if that is the answer. I know this seems very small - but like I said it is a baby step - but a miracle none-the-less. The fact that he is even willing to talk about it at all is in itself a miracle. I know that J wants to do what our Father in Heaven wants - and so do I. Together we will make this decision. My heart and soul has told me that I have a daughter in China, I feel that is what my Father in Heaven wants for us. I just need to have faith that J will know the same.

Random Blogging

2005-12-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

I think about A all of the time. If you can believe this I have held true to my word and have not said anything to J about adoption since the Saturday we went to the seminar at WIAA. I can’t tell you how much self-control it has taken. She is honestly on my mind constantly. Some days I am bursting at the seams…I just want to scream at J – “WAKE UP ALREADY!” I want to talk about her – about my feelings, about my experiences. But, at this point I really think it would do more harm than good with J. He needs to find the answer on his own and at the right time. Patience…ugh!
Christmas Eve at my parent’s house was wonderful. It is so nice to be with everyone. It is an emotional night for many of us – some it is not so emotional – or it is and they don’t show it…I don’t know which it is. Probably both. I opened my gift from my nephew B – Jenn was the brains, muscle and heart behind it. It is a Family Home Evening Chart. It has six hooks so each member of the family will know their assignment for the night – whether it is the lesson or song or scripture. She painted five of the nametags with each one of our names – but there was one blank one. It took a lot for me not to break down right there. I did tear up a little – but I sucked the big ones back – I didn’t want to make a scene. When we got home that night G informed J and I that the blank one was for his Sister in China…I was grinning inside.
Christmas was also very nice. J woke up rather grumpy – but, luckily he was able to work through it and he either cheered up or he faked it nicely. I need to figure out how to cure his lack of Holiday Spirit. Oh well. He really gave me a nice Christmas. I was able to have my eyeliner put permanently on (E claims I have tattoos on my eyes – they are NOT tattoos – rather what I like to call permanent cosmetics – I hope this decision doesn’t bit me in the butt someday!). He also got me my favorite socks “Smart Wool” to keep my toes comfy warm, and also some really fabulous clothes. He really spoils me. I was however a little disappointed – I guess I was hoping that he was going to surprise me and let me know his heart was changed and he knew we had a daughter in China – that I had been right all along and we need to get started on the adoption ASAP…maybe for my birthday? (haha)
My boys are spoiled…you should see what was given to them for Christmas. I don’t know where it is all going to go. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful kids. They are a little loud at times and they run me ragged most days – but I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything. It is the most fulfilling job in the world. Some may disagree – but, there is no paycheck that can compare to the wet kisses from one (or all) of your children. No one can make me laugh so easily or make me cry so fast or make me yell louder than my boys (J included) – What did I ever do to deserve to be so lucky?
And so the last week of the year moves on and as I look back on ’05 I am OK with how things went – I have a lot to improve on and even more to work on – So, looking forward to ’06 I feel motivated and ambitious…hopefully it will last.
Maybe this time next year we will have started the process to bring A home and most of the space on my blog will be documenting our adoption Journey. If not, I am sure there will be a reason.

Life Unorganized

2005-12-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

If you walked into my house today you would think I was a pig - my house is not dirty by any means - it is cluttery! It is unorganized! It is driving me crazy! If Santa were real and I could wish for anything - it would be a maid - or at the very least a cleaning service. So, in a little over a week a new year begins and there are goals to be set. But, this year will be different - I will actually accomplish my goal. It is just one - to declutter my house and life and keep it organized. I realize that I do need help though - so, that is why my children and husband will be helping me from now on. Each one having jobs that they can do on their own daily. O will obviously need a little help - he is only 18 months. But, as for my other boys - J included - they can manage quite sufficiently on their own.
I am ashamed to admit that it is not just my home that is unorganized – my life is unorganized. I used to call myself “laid back” – but I am now beginning to question that term. Am I really laid back – or am I lazy? Unmotivated? A procrastinator? Probably a little of all of them. I also have a tendency to spread myself too thin. I get too much going on and the essentials suffer – i.e. cleaning my home, laundry, cooking, reading with E, time with J, our budget. So, I need to have a plan……….any ideas?? This is my life – unorganized, but not for long.

Guilty Pleasures

2005-12-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

I believe every person has at least one guilty pleasure - mine is sleeping. The blessed moment when I can lie down and close my eyes. I don't know why. Yesterday, for instance, right when I got up I set a goal to nap - is that weird? I think it is a little. I am by no means depressed or stressed out. It is just plain and simple that I like to sleep. Sundays are my favorite day to nap. Right when we get home from church I fix the kids lunch (J is normally at meetings) and I make them all lay down and nap - yes, even E. He gets upset everytime - but everytime he is the one who sleeps the longest...he may end up with the same guilty pleasure as mine someday. I do wish however that my guilty pleasure was something more productive - like laundry or dusting.

The Plan - Mosaic

2005-11-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, $17,000+ is a big number to fathom. How will we come up with the money? It's not like we can save our change for a year and have enough. We've got to have a plan of action.

And my plan is: ((**drumroll**))

Mosaic Photography

J hates the name and thinks it doesn't make any sense - but I like it - it sounds...artsy, modern...hip. I will be an "On Location" photographer. I have already taken my first family portraits - of course I made no money on them - they were for me. But, honestly, I would have paid myself quite a bit if I could have. Two weeks ago I took family portraits for the G's in our ward. I made the mistake of giving her the disk of the pictures and not charging her anything for them...uh...stupid I know. Hopefully she will actually order some prints and I can make something on them. Oh, well. Live and learn. Monday I will be taking pictures of the W family. I have decided to charge $50 for the sitting fee. That will not include anything but my raw talent - haha. I figure with the price of gas, my time taking the pictures as well as editing them - $50 is not too high. Maybe. I hope they turn out - then maybe by word of mouth - I can actually make a go of it. I have also bought some lighting equiptment - specifically to take pictures of the Mantels for Stone Mountain - but, I won't get paid for those. But, I look at it as practice. All I need now is a backdrop stand, a couple backdrops (white, black, brown) and maybe some props. Oh yes, and some business cards. I asked K to make a logo for me...but he moves at the speed of snail. So, I may never see it from him. And considering who he is married to - I don't see how he gets anything done at all, so I should cut him a break. I also need to put together a portfolio to show what work I have done - and, since that has consisted of only my family and a not-so-attractive family in my ward - I would dare say I have a bit of work to do. Heidi is pregnant - I will call her to take some candid maternity photos, after she has her baby I will take some pictures of her newborn. I am sure Sue will let me "borrow" her kids for a shoot as well...oooo....then I will call Rachel and take some pictures of her her girls (J is from China and is SO precious!). I am sure I will think of some more. I hope this will make some money for us for the adoption...then J can let go of that worry. I will keep a prayer in my heart and my fingers crossed.

Miracles

2005-11-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Moroni Chapter 7:26, 27, 29
26 ...And as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.
27Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?...
29And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

I am not discouraged anymore...

I know we will bring our daughter home.